Stuck On You
by The Potter Identity
Summary: Remus loves Tonks. Tonks loves Remus. But neither of them will admitt it. Sirius is going to do something about it. It's surprising how far wizarding crazy glue can go....
1. What Happens When Sirius Plots

Hello, future happy readers! In sailing through the sixth book (tears for Draco Malfoy), we discovered that we had quite a liking for this seemingly incompatible pair destined to produce multi-colored werewolf pups, and, therefore, decided to write a fic tracing their relationship. Huzzah! Anyhoo. So. Go. Read. Be merry. Take the extra ten seconds to review. Love to you all! Toodles!

She was quirky. Okay, really quirky. Perhaps quirky wasn't the right word…she was….odd…ish. She somehow managed a perfect balance of clumsiness and positive energy. If you spent even five minutes with her, odds are, you'd be smiling from ear to ear, no matter how depressed you'd been just moments before. Of course, usually you'd be smiling because she'd just tripped over something that was virtually impossible to trip on and made a sound so loud that one had to wonder how the hell she'd managed it, considering the size of said object that she'd just tripped on. It never ceased to amaze him just how many walls she'd walked into, doors she'd fallen through, and things she'd tripped over. It was as if every day was a competition with the previous day over how many times she could abash herself. Of course, as long as she didn't break anything of real value, everyone found her shameless antics highly amusing and delighted in her company. As long as she wasn't cooking, that is. To say it plainly enough, she was charming. And, despite a huge list of reasons not to, he was beginning to really like her. He'd always been a quiet, patient individual, and maybe it was just him, but it seemed that whenever he entered the room, she would be even more vibrant than this, as if it were an attempt to rub some of it off on him. Thinking it over, he had to admit, rather painfully, that it already had.

He sat up in bed. Never mind the reverie of crushes that may or may not have sprung up in his life. Molly was calling breakfast, and this was not the time to contemplate them.

Sure, he was quiet. And shy. And damned modest. But there was something charming about him. At first glance, he'd usually appear about a decade older than he was, but if one were to ignore the streaks of gray hair, he really was quite handsome. One rarely had the opportunity to see his strong, sculpted body beneath the baggy, hand-patched robes he always wore, but she'd been quite thrilled when she made that discovery when she'd stepped into the bathroom at an inopportune moment the other day….towels quite suited him…especially when the body beneath them still glowed with dripping shower water. Heh.

A mug of tea was slammed down in front of her nose, jolting her thoughts from her new obsession. No…not obsession….crush…maybe…oh, never mind. Obsession. Why must her crushes always transform into obsessions? She grudgingly shoved the fantasies from her mind and sipped the tea, promptly burning her tongue.

Needless to say, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks fancied each other. A lot. Quite a lot. If only they knew.

"Nymphie? You're glazed." Sirius, the server of the tea, waved his fingers in front of his cousin's face.

"Hmm?"

Her concentration vaguely drifted over the grin setting in across Sirius's face. He sat down next to her. "Is there something that you're not telling your charming convict cousin?"

"What? No. Of course not. Why would I want to keep something from my charming _convict_ cousin?"

"Dunno. There are some persons who have issues….something about lack of trust…." Sirius shrugged.

"Asshat," Tonks muttered, rolling her eyes. She picked up a spoon and began to stir at her tea, most unfortunately knocking it over in the process. "Oh, _shit,_" she exclaimed as the cascade of Earl Grey came crashing down onto her lap.

"That's the Nymphadora that I know and love," Sirius said lightly. "I guess you are okay."

"Twat," Tonks muttered, trying very hard to ignore how Sirius was shaking with his stupid little giggles. Argh. Why couldn't she have been born into a nice, normal, functional family? "You wouldn't have any napkins, would you?"

"Napkins? Nah. Those are for sissies."

"I've got a handkerchief," a soft voice said from the corner.

"Speaking of sissies…."

Remus quietly glared at his remaining live/not evil friend as he strode over with his hanky. "Here you go."

"Oh. Thanks." Tonks gratefully received the aforementioned hanky, blushing slightly as their hands touched.

Sirius, of course, immediately picked up on this fascinating little tidbit. It was in this moment that he realized that Nymphie and Reemie were perfect for each other. So, quite obviously, he would have to do everything in his power to shove them into a relationship. Heh. He loved himself when he had great ideas like this.

The newly self-proclaimed match maker looked up. "So, what're you up to today, Moony?"

Remus quietly poured himself a cup of coffee. "Oh, the usual. Poring over Voldemort's old hide outs. Guessing where he might be now."

"You're so boring. To me, anyway," Sirius added swiftly. And craftily. Heh. Time to let things unfold on their own. He had plotting to do. He danced over the cabinet and extracted a bar of chocolate. "Well, I'm off to do…stuff! See you dears later!" He swung the door open and pranced down to his private plotting room.

Remus shuffled over to the doorway, giving his friend a puzzled glance. "He's exceptionally odd today."

Tonks, however, was too busy giving Remus a puzzled glance of her own (and a quick once over) to notice her cousin's vaguely heightened peculiarity. "Moony?" she asked.

"Ah." Remus refrained from his hallway patrol and joined Tonks at the table. "School nickname. Rather not talk about it."

Tonks gave him a funnier look. "So you mooned people?"

"What? No!" Remus looked highly uncomfortable. He stared into his coffee. "It's about the werewolf thing."

"Oh…" Ah, a wave of understanding. Cheers, Nymphie. "That's stupid."

"Sirius decided on it." He shrugged.

"Sirius is weird."

"Yes, he is." Remus cracked a smile. "It took James about a year to say my nickname without cracking up."

Tonks grinned at what she thought was a very good pun. Cracking up. Heh. She directed her beam at her breakfast companion, who looked a little confused. Possibly annoyed.

"What's so funny?"

"You."

"I'm not funny. I've never been funny, except maybe a little off," he said, rather hopefully, nonetheless.

"Of course you're funny. In a good way."

"You really think so?"

"I know so." She smiled reassuringly. "And trust me, I know funny. I've seen Sirius do the hula in his froggy boxers."

"So have I!"

They collectively snickered in wicked glee, until Molly plopped a pan of bacon in front of them, shocking Tonks into upturning Remus's coffee into his lap.

"Fuck."

Somewhere in a private plotting zone, Sirius finished the last crumb of the chocolate bar he'd been carefully munching on for the last quarter hour. He had now advanced into Pure Plotting Mode. Hrm. What to do….how to manipulate…how to fuck with their minds to thereby make them fuck….

"AHA!" He leapt in the air with a surge of triumph. "Aha!" he shouted again. "Aha, eureka, and otherwise, I'm brilliant!" He did a little victory dance.

Buckbeak squawked indignantly from the corner of the room, where he'd been peaceably devouring a pile of witless rodents that had previously plagued the bookshelves.

"Oh, shut up, you miserable old beast, I've had a brilliant idea!" Sirius said happily, doing a pirouette.

What Buckbeak had meant to convey, actually, was how supremely ridiculous his master looked hopping about with a smudge of chocolate on his nose, but alas, he was a hippogriff, and could not talk. Instead, he chomped down on a spare rocking chair and allowed Sirius to continue his antics with the chocolate smudge. He'd figure it out eventually.

"I honestly don't know how I got to be this fantastic," Sirius gloated. "God knows it's not genes, my parents were hopeless…anyway! Onto bigger and better things! I must find the super glue!"

He gracefully bounced out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Buckbeak crunched on the surprisingly tasty rocking chair. This would be good.

So….cute? Wonky? (Ignore Sirius prancing about with chocolate across his nose….) Give us feedback. If you have a heart…..ah, well. Readers will be readers. Sanitary kisses to you all!

Cheers!


	2. A Sticky Situation

Greetings, darlings! First off, thanks so much to all of our fantastic reviewers! We like the image of a pirouetting Sirius in froggy boxers, too (though we've always pictured him as looking more like Viggo Mortensen than Gary Oldman—think Aragorn—he is so seriously Sirius). This is what happens to people who have to return to their parents' homes in their thirties….Anyhoo! Enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 2 – "A Sticky Situation"

Sirius had spent the rest of the evening scouring the old house for the bloody crazy glue. He hoped desperately that he could find it, considering that he couldn't leave the house and that it would be far too suspicious for a tube of crazy, wizarding, this-effing-stuff-will-not-subside-if-your-life-depends-on-it, produced by Fred and George Weasley glue to appear by mail, most likely at the breakfast table over the orange juice. No. Far too suspicious indeed….

But to his great relief, he managed to find a small tube that was still intact. "Bwaha," he muttered to himself. They had no idea what was about to hit them…or rather stick them. Heh.

He had to be careful, vigilant and discreet. But of course being Sirius, he was great at all three. All he had to do was figure out a way of getting Remus and Tonks to touch each other before they touched anything else once the "glue" had been applied.

"Hmph," thought Sirius. This wasn't going to be quite as easy as he had thought. He continued to ponder this as he wandered down to breakfast the next day. He'd get them somehow.

Of course Remus had gotten there first and was already cooking up a very enticing smelling batch of chocolate chip pancakes. Sirius sidled over to him. "So, Moony, ol' buddy, ol' pal, what's with the fancy breakfast?"

Remus scowled and blushed slightly. "It's not fancy, I just decided to do something else for a change, be different be…"

"Vibrant?" Sirius suggested.

"Yes, vibrant, colorful, interesting…" He paused. " Oh dear God," he said shakily.

"What?" Sirius asked as innocently as he could.

"You know don't you?" he asked, rather annoyed.

"Know what?" Sirius attempted to sound perplexed but failed rather dismally.

"That I like her," Remus said softly.

"Who?" Sirius prodded. Remus rolled his eyes.

"You're hopeless. Well, Mr. Black you're not going to get a confession out of me that easily," he said indignantly.

It was Sirius' turn to scowl. "Oh come now, Moony I won't blow your secret if really don't want her to know. I think you're a bloody idiot to not tell her but have it your way," Sirius said pointedly.

Remus sighed. " I just….what if she doesn't want me, an old boring...werewolf. She's so young and beautiful and –"

"Vibrant?" Sirius ventured again.

Remus sighed a second time. "_Yes_, vibrant."

"I still think you're being really stupid about this whole thing," Sirius said blatantly.

"Shut up, Sirius!" Remus said quickly as Tonks sauntered into the room.

"What's for breakfast?" she asked yawning.

"Pancakes!" Remus said jovially, glaring at Sirius' smirk from across the room. He went over and put a plate of chocolate pancakes with butter and a glass of orange juice before Tonks. She grinned.

"How did you know? Chocoloate chips are my favorite!" she exclaimed in delight digging in. Remus blushed profusely.

" I…er…. just guessed, really." She looked up.

"Really? Wow, you seem to know me better then I do." He smiled at her.

"I highly doubt that, Nymphadora," he said softly.

She grinned and continued eating, beckoning him into a chair next to her. Sirius noted with a wry smile that she had not bothered to correct Remus' use of her name. In fact, uncharacteristically, she hadn't even flinched.

Heh, Sirius thought with an inward smirk.. Perhaps he didn't even need the crazy glue…never mind; of course he needed it. Half the fun of it was simply to see them stuck together rather than spurting the stuff just for the sake of hooking them up.

He began to formulate an idea in his mind how to get them stuck. A plot swiftly smacked him. He snuck off, leaving them alone. Tonks continued eating merrily. Remus watched with a grin over his own pancakes. After a couple minutes she looked up at him and burst into laughter. This was unexpected and he didn't know what to do.

"What's so funny?" he asked her.

"You've got…" she paused to gasp for breath in the middle of her bout of laughter, "chocolate…" She burst into a new fit of giggles, "on your nose!" she finished and continued laughing until Remus had successfully removed the invading sweet.

"Well then…" he said grinning. "Blasted chocolate!"

She giggled again as he cleared the plates with his wand. Of course, Sirius used this moment to unceremoniously sneak back into the room, glue and tray in tow. He sat down, and, as though performing Muggle brain surgery, extracted the tube's contents onto the tray in a decorative squiggle. He tossed the spent tube into the trash and stood up, brushing his hands.

"That should do it!" he said in satisfaction. He turned to leave the room. "I'll just let it sit while I feed Buckbeak. And whatever you do, don't touch it." He skipped off.

Instantly, Tonks edged toward the substance, her currently violet eyes burning with curiosity. "Ooh. I bet it's something good."

"With Sirius? Most definitely," Remus laughed. He poked the dishes with his wand, waiting for a response. All he heard was the clacking of the plates washing themselves. "Tonks?"

"Did you see how happy he was when he had it? I wonder what it does."

The laughter escaped Remus' face. "Oh, really, I wouldn't do that. It's probably cake frosting or ground up toenails or—you aren't seriously considering touching that stuff, are you?"

Her eyes continued to glow as she stepped forward with a crazed smile. It was such a good effect that she considered sprouting vampire fangs. The seemingly innocent squiggles beckoned her. _Must touch…._ One of her hands stretched out. Remus looked concerned.

"Tonks?"

"Just a little bit…maybe I'll use only one finger….I could taste it…" she murmured absently. Her left hand plunged.

"Stop!"

Remus wildly crossed the kitchen in a rather impressive ballerina-esque leap to halt her actions. Too late. Not only had Tonks already submerged her hand in the stuff, but Remus, in his (incredibly graceful) landing, had managed to drop his hand right on top of her sticky one.

"Oh, dear," he said blandly.

"It's all right, I think," Tonks said merrily. "Nothing's sizzled off or anything. I bet it's safe. I mean, Sirius didn't use protective gloves or anything, so…" It made her vaguely uncomfortable that she was essentially holding hands with her crush. Especially when he seemed to look so perplexed and was waving a dishtowel with his spare arm. No matter. "Remus," she said slowly. "Is there any reason that you haven't taken your hand off of mine yet?"

It's because you love me and want me and wish to caress me forever, possibly in the shower—no! Naughty Tonks!

Remus had a particularly strained expression on his face. "I've been trying," he finally answered.

_What?_ she thought.

"What?" she said in shock. Surely this couldn't mean--

Remus sighed. "It seems, Miss Nymphadora, that we are stuck. "

A cackle was heard in the backround.

Huzzah! Another chapter written! The more quickly you review, the more quickly we'll tell you what becomes of the little munchkins! Hugs and doofy grins to all of you! Until next time…..


	3. No Escape

Howdy folks! And we make our splashing return! Heh. Anyhoo, thanks to all our darling reviewers, you are all wonderful beautiful people. Proceeding… this is a long chapter so enjoy! Yay Lupin/Tonks are sooo cute! Weeee! Prances off

Chapter 3

Sirius grinned from his hiding spot in the hallway. Thank God for clumsy cousins. His plan had been a resounding success. The crazy glue that not-so-innocently bound the two occupants of his kitchen was no ordinary wizarding crazy glue. (Had it been such a substance, the skin cells in Remus' and Tonks' hands would have covalently bonded for good, and even Sirius couldn't find it in himself to do that.)

No. This glue had been a patented experiment of Fred and George Weasley. A tube of the project had been "conveniently" left in a desk drawer when they deemed the experiment a success and graduated it to a Weasley Wizarding Wheeze. Ah, the dangers of childhood….

At any rate, this not so ordinary and not so innocent dollop of glue would, indeed, bind two people stubbornly, but there was a catch: once the uninformed parties had been attached, the only antic that would release them would be a mutual, oral confession of love for each other. How sweet.

Well, usually.

Sirius had often thought it would be highly amusing to bind Snape and Mad-Eye Moody, but he'd suppressed the urge.

Anyway.

At the sound of confuzzled voices, Sirius strode back into the kitchen. (Buckbeak, meanwhile, was left in Madame Black's bedroom, alone and hungry.)

"Good God!" he playacted. "What did I tell you right before I left the room?"

"I _know,_" Tonks said, exasperated and upset. "That's what triggered it. I _have _to touch forbidden oozing things. It's my nature. I'm so sorry." She looked apologetically at Remus. Minutes earlier, she'd been having visions over pancakes made by her dream man who, on top of everything else, could apparently cook, and now she was stuck to him, pondering whether this was a blessing or a curse. Sigh.

Remus shrugged nonchalantly, though thoughts were busily buzzing about his brain. How, exactly, were they going to escape this one?

"Surely there's a way to dislodge this stuff?" Tonks said hopefully. Remus shook his head.

"I doubt it. If it's a wizarding glue, which I believe it is, it's been made to permanently bind objects to each other. This could be quite serious." Sirius flinched at the unfortunate homophone of his name. "Haven't you outgrown that?" Remus asked bemusedly.

"Nope."

"Well. Anyway. Maybe there's a way to remedy it if we work quickly enough. Sirius, what was that stuff?"

"Dunno. Unmarked tube."

"Shit," Tonks said flatly. There was a long and nearly awkward silence in which she suddenly felt as though she were being chastised. "Oh, God," she mumbled, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry I said the word 'shit' in front of you, Professor Lupin."

Professor Lupin looked amused. "I assure you, I've heard the word 'shit.'" (Tonks stared in shock.) "I was a Marauder, after all."

"That's right." Sirius winked at Remus. "I just don't know how you managed to do this."

Tonks hung her pink, spiky head, which seemed to be turning a bit mousy. "I really am sorry," she said sadly. "I guess we could always amputate."

Remus looked up in alarm. "I _write_ with that hand!"

She wilted even more dramatically. Remus patted her on the head with their hands. "It's all right. Maybe Severus knows something about binding potions…."

"Snape?" Tonks and her hair follicles snapped to attention. "We're having _Snap_e un-stick us? Forget it." She got to her feet, abruptly dragging her new bodily addition with her. "We're finding a brick."

"A…what?"

"A brick. A really huge one, if we can manage it. Come on." She started to drag them off. Remus' voice wafted back into the kitchen.

"Wait…Tonks….maybe we ought to rethink this? Oh, dear…."

Sirius sat back in his chair to chew a chocolate chip pancake and look thoughtful. Upon doing so, he instantly laid eyes upon a certain red haired person with a nasty habit of apparating into people's kitchen chairs.

"Hello," the certain red haired person said with a smile.

"Morning, Bill. Pancake?"

"Sure. Unless…" Bill inspected the pancake. "Those aren't raisins, are they? Or doxie droppings?" He looked alarmed. "Surely not actual doxies, dropped into batter? No, even you wouldn't stoop that low…"

"Pull yourself together," Sirius said impatiently. "It's chocolate."

"Oh, good." Upon receiving this information, Bill happily selected a pancake and began to butter his breakfast. "Sorry. Bad pancake experiences in the past. You never really outlive finding a spider leg in your breakfast. Anyway." He took a bite of the food, which Sirius had, in the last five minutes, sprinkled with beetle eyes for no reason at all.

Just kidding, Bill.

Bill swallowed the fantastic pancake. "So. How goes it around here?"

A thump was heard in the background, accompanied by an anguished scream.

Sirius grinned. "Brilliantly."

Bill looked a little scared. (Hey, it's Plotting! Sirius. Wouldn't you?) "Was that Remus?"

"Poor man." Sirius shook his head. "If he'd just face his issues like any other normal person, I wouldn't have had to do this."

"Do what?"

"Hold still!" Another voice floated into the kitchen. "I bet….just…one more go at it….oh, ouch."

"Is that Tonks?" Bill asked.

"That is correct, sir."

"What did you do to them?"

"Remember the crazy glue that the twins made?"

"Sure," Bill said through another mouthful of chocolate chip goodness. "The stuff that holds you together until you confess love for—oh. _Oh._"

"Right." Sirius smiled in satisfaction.

"You didn't."

"I did."

"Shit, Sirius. When's the next full moon?"

"Last week, Bill. I'm not that stupid." Pause. "Don't give me that look."

"Right. Okay. Whatever you say." Bill rolled his eyes and summoned a cup of tea. "But what if they don't say it in the next three weeks?"

Suddenly, Tonks toppled into the kitchen, Remus at her heels. And hands, of course.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" they chorused.

Bill and Sirius watched as the soon to be couple stumbled over to the freezer, wrenched open the door, and inserted their hands, gasping in relief.

"Ahhh…."

Sirius smiled in satisfaction. "They will."

Tonks let out another breath and glanced at Remus. "So, blow torch—bad idea?"

Remus gave a very uncharacteristic glare. "Very bad idea."

"Tough night?" Bill inquired merrily.

"Good morning, Bill!" they said in unison, turning around.

"What did you guys try to – "

" Don't ask," Remus said darkly.

Bill grinned "Fine, then, just don't hurt yourselves, odds are that glue isn't coming off for awhile." He gave Sirius a wink which Remus thought to be way too suspicious, but he shrugged it off, after all he had a bigger issue to deal with: Tonks. Upon Bill's last words, her hair had perked up a bit.

"A while? So there's hope?" she said happily.

Sirius shot Bill a dirty look. "Doubtful. Very little. Bill doesn't know what he's talking about. No hope. None. Sorry."

Her hair drooped.

"Tonks, it's all right," Remus said for the umpteenth time that day. "We'll figure out…something….somehow. Maybe there's a book on melding charms somewhere around here…."

"So now I have to be in on your library escapades, too?" The pinkness fled from her non-spiky hair. Bill looked a little alarmed. This wasn't normal, even less normal then when her hair turned grey for three weeks in 6th year for no reason whatsoever.

" Do you want to get detached or not?" Remus asked irritably. There was a long awkward silence in which Tonks battled her instinct to blurt out 'NOT!"

She finally whispered, " I guess so."

"Why don't we discuss logistics over a nice cup of hot chocolate?" Sirius said, merrily clapping his hands. After all, this whole ordeal had sprung from an ancient bar of Honeydukes' finest consumed in the company of a hippogriff. There was a flurry of nods.

"Can I stay?" Bill asked.

Tonks gave him a puzzled look. "Why?"

He shrugged. "I'm bored."

Pause.

"Well, can you think of a better reason?"

Twelve minutes later, the four were convened around the table, gravely working out ways to allow Tonks and Remus to live at peace for however long it would take to unbind them.

"What about my job?" Tonks asked. "I can't be an auror with someone attached to me by the wrist."

"Fingers," Sirius corrected. "And you have a nasty case of the Gulping Plimpies. You'll be out for a month."

Remus gave him a funny look. "Gulping Plimpies are an urban legend."

"No they're not."

"But they are—I've looked them up, no one's seen them since about the sixth century—"

"Remus," Sirius said sternly, "can you think of a better disease?"

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Gulping Plimpies it is." Remus clumsily stirred at his cocoa with his left hand. "And what about the full moon?"

"I wouldn't worry too much about that," Bill said reassuringly. "We'll probably have figured out a way to separate you by then. Right, Sirius?" he added menacingly.

Sirius gave him an angelic grin. "Of course."

"How are we going to sleep?" Tonks asked abruptly.

"Together!" Sirius said joyously, delighting in his implications and their shocked faces. "Well, obviously, you're going to be sleeping together. In the same bed, I mean. How else would you do it? I mean, sleep."

Remus and Tonks stared at each other. "This is all my fault," Tonks said dismally. "If I didn't have to touch every buggering substance in my direct line of vision—oh, _damn_," she concluded, knocking over her cocoa with a hand motion. "Life is not helping!"

"It's all right." Using the dishtowel (which, for some reason, he was still brandishing), Remus mopped up the mess. "At least it wasn't hot."

She smiled back. "At least we're not attached by the leg."

"At least you're friends," Sirius commented, thinking about Mad-Eye and Snape.

"At least my mom isn't here," Bill added. Everyone looked at him.

"Who asked you?" Tonks demanded.

Bill shrugged. "She would go nuts over how adorable and romantic this is," he said, ignoring Sirius' frantic hand signals not to hint. Tonks and Remus stared at each other with even more awkwardness. Bill shrugged again. "Well, it is."

"Don't you have a day job?" Tonks seethed.

"Don't you?"

"FUCK!" Tonks jumped up, very nearly jerking Remus up with her. He calmly pulled her back down into her chair.

"Tonks," he said patiently, "it's a Saturday. And you have Gulping Plimpies."

"Oh. Right."

"But now that you mention it," Bill said, rising from his seat, "I really should get going. I've got a date."

"With who?" Sirius asked hungrily.

"Remember that girl in the Tri-Wizard Tournament?"

Sirius gaped. "You're screwing the French chick?"

"For your information, her name is Fleur, she's a quarter vela, and very hot!" Bill scowled and stepped toward the hallway. "Bye," he said listlessly, disappearing with a pop.

"Why don't I ever get dates with hot French chicks?" Sirius demanded.

"Because you're a convict!" Tonks said irritably. Stupid Sirius.

"Oh, that."

A sudden squawk was heard.

Sirius leapt out of his chair and dashed out to the hall. "Forgot to feed Buckbeack," he called. "Be back in a minute."

"Wasn't he feeding Buckbeack when we were in the kitchen this morning?" Remus asked pointlessly.

"Dunno. Don't care." Tonks pouted. The two sat in silence for a moment. Tonks broke that silence. "Remus?"

"Yes, Tonks?"

"I have to pee."

And so we conclude this exciting installment of Stuck on You. We would gratefully appreciate it if you expressed your opinion of the fic…. (Cough…review…cough) Anyhoo, hope you liked it! And see you all next time!


	4. Bathroom Break

Hello dearies! We have returned with pomp and circumstance! Ok anyhoo sorry for the long wait, Jewish! Ok never mind that's just an excuse, more like what I'd like to call "reform Jew" a.k.a an agnostic that eats Jewish food and gets presents on Chanukah. Well anyway here is the next chappie, If you like, please be a kind and beautiful and leave a review! To all those kind and beautiful people who DID review thank you so much for your opinions and support! We lurve you! Mwah! Cyber kiss ok on with the show….

Chapter 4

Remus stared at her. "You what?" He asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"I have to pee." Tonks said, surprisingly cheerful for such a dreaded statement.

"This is not going to be pleasant." Remus muttered as they got up from the table and headed upstairs.

Five minutes later Sirius Black was walking down a hall in Grimmauld Place when he happened upon a rather amusing sight. His best friend of many years was sitting on the musty rug, a scowl evident on his face and his hand being slightly squashed in the door next to him.

"And what predicament have we gotten ourselves into now?" Sirius asked gleefully.

If it was possible Remus scowled even more. "Your dearest cousin needed to use the loo." He said stiffly. Sirius grinned. He really hadn't thought about that, and now the concept was too hilarious, this was better then almost any of the pranks he had ever played in school. Heh, this was going to be a good week.

"Well tell my dearest cousin not to peek when you guys decide to shower," Sirius said lightly, walking away. He turned to wave and was able to glimpse Remus' look of pure horror. Oh yes, this was going to be a great week.

Remus sighed. "Are you done yet?"

"Not quite."

"What can possibly be taking you so long?"

"Try zipping up _your_ jeans with one hand!"

"Oh."

Awkward silence.

"Would you like help?"

"As a matter of fact, that would be lovely!" Tonks said a bit irritably. To think she'd thought that he was a gentleman. Bah.

"All right. I'm coming in. Would you like me to avert my eyes?"

"From what? It's not like I've got my knickers down. Unless you'd like to help me with those, too?"

Agh. Stupid technicalities. Remus opened the door and entered the realms of ugly brown tile. He vaguely wondered if that ghoul was still in the toilet. There had been a very interesting incident a number of years ago when he'd discovered said ghoul. His bunny slippers had never been the same….

"Why are you giving me that look?" Tonks asked.

"Oh, no reason." He glanced down. "Cherries? On your knickers?"

"Hey, they were cute!"

"Tonks, is there a subtle message here?"

"I assure you, they've all been popped!" Tonks said rather triumphantly. Enter: Awkward Silence II. "I never said that."

"Right then," Remus said with a bit of a blush. "Shall we get your pants back up?"

"Only if you want them up," Tonks said sneakily.

"Turn around." _But you don't want them up,_ a little voice said in the back of his mind. _Don't be an idiot. Help her with the bloody zipper,_ said the voice in the front of his mind. _But you really don't want them up_, the voice persisted. _Shut up, _the other slightly more sensible voice said. The first voice said nothing, but telepathically whispered _you're lame._

Shoving both of the voices out of his head, Remus turned his attention to the buggering problem attached to his hands. Blue jeans. What asshole invented them? And why would they make them so difficult to put on? Was this some sort of sex message marketed throughout the Muggle world?

"All right. You grab that side." Tonks complied, gripped a belt loop, and tugged up. "Gah, this isn't working." Remus said irritably trying to fiddle with the button. "Okay, Tonks face me." She turned around to face him.

"If we weren't glued together I'd say that this situation is extremely sexy." Tonks stated matter-of-factly.

"Thank you Nymphadora for stating the obvious, yet again." He said attempting to sound pissed off despite the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"You're laughing."

"Am not."

"Are so."

"Am not."

"So are."

"Bugger off."

"OHH! Naughty Professor. I might have to give you detention for swearing!"

Remus grinned pulling her closer and zipping up her jeans with ease. "I can be a lot naughtier then that Nymphadora." He said with a wry grin.

"Oh really Professor, by the way, its TONKS!" she said poking him in the ribs. He giggled. A wicked grin spread across her face. "Is our dear Professor ticklish?" Remus stared. _Fuck there goes your last defense._ The voice returned with relish. Remus groaned.

"Of course not." He said, trying to keep a straight face.

Tonks' wicked grin was still plastered on her face. "Sure, Professor." She grabbed his nose and pulled him across the hall into the study. "I wonder where else he's ticklish?" She continued.

"Tonks, please don't!" Remus begged.

"You wish." She giggled. She started by poking him again. And for a second time he contorted in bouts of laughter. "Does wolfie have a ticklish tummy?"

"Agh, NOOO!"

"You know," Sirius said somewhere in the depths of his mother's bedroom, "I find the nose to be the least sexy part of the human body."

Buckbeak, his steadfast companion, sighed as well as a hippogriff can. His charming master had still neglected to feed him, and sexy or not, he was about ready to eat _his _nose.

"Yes, I knew you would agree," Sirius said lazily. "But, you know, there are exceptions. I mean, there isn't exactly much to be said about the toenails."

Buckbeak wondered how long it would take him to kill himself by running into the wall.

Meanwhile…

"No not there please Tonks, NOOO!"

Sirius sat up at the cry, "Hmm… already? Wow that was fast, must see this." And with that he hopped out of the room, which still contained his hungry companion and went off to examine the sex life of his best friend and cousin.

"GOD TONKS PLEASE DON'T! STOP STOP! NO NOT THERE! GAH!"

"NEVER! HOW ABOUT HERE? IS THIS THE SPOT!"

"NOOOOO!"

By now Sirius was sprinting, he HAD to see this. He came skidding into the study to see…. Remus writhing in agony as Tonks tickled him mercilessly.

"Thank god! SIRUS! MAKE HER STOP!"

Sirius grinned. So it wasn't as far as he had thought but it was a start. "Make her stop yourself, she's ticklish too you know."

Remus sat bolt upright. "WHAT?" He grinned and tickled Tonks back. Now she was at HIS mercy. Heh.

"FUCK YOU SIRIUS!" She screamed through giggles.

"Later cous." He said walking out of the room, to confide this latest information in his ever reliable, ever hungry, Buckbeak.

Alrighty! Stay tuned for chapter five which, hopefully, will be posted a lot quicker then this one was. Argh, first marking period almost over…. term papers…tests…. bitchy teachers…the works. Anyway the wonderful Jewish holidays have provided extra time off from school (WOOT!) so we have more time to write! So if you like the story so far, while you are waiting for an update, you can be a nice good person and put us on your alert list…Hey! Great idea! While you do that you can leave a…gasp!...review! Ohhh the horrors…. ok enough of me trying to charm you peeps into writing, hoped you enjoyed and see you next time!


	5. Caffeine & Bad Interior Design

Aaaaaand we're back! Huzzah! You reviewers are so cool! We are almost at 100 reviews! Groovy! (Sorry have Hair on the brain) anyhoo so thank you for your lovely reviews, really quite fantastic, we'll love you even more if you review this chapter. So here is the next installment of our absolutely adorable fic! Enjoy!

Chapter 5

Some hours later, in the appetizingly non-ticklish zone of the kitchen, Remus and Tonks were in the midst of an afternoon cup of coffee, delighting in each other's company and chatting joyously about Bill's horrid dancing skills. Sirius sat at the door, trying to soak up the utter cuteness of it all. Sigh. If only they weren't so dim….

"Were you there when he managed to simultaneously drop his date and trip into the punch bowl to that Weird Sisters song?" Remus asked, grinning and sipping his coffee left-handed.

"Yes! My God!" Tonks laughed. "It almost makes you wonder what he's like in bed," she added thoughtfully. Remus choked on the coffee he'd been quaffing. "You okay?"

"Do you contemplate the sexual abilities of all of your friends?" Remus asked breathlessly.

"Well. Only the really special ones," Tonks said slyly.

"I see."

"There isn't any more coffee left, is there?" Sirius asked, bursting through the doors. The connected couple jumped. In the jump, Tonks amazingly managed to upset the coffee maker and douse the floor and her cousin's feet.

"Nope," she said regretfully. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You're hopeless."

"Want a dish towel?" Tonks asked. Remus helpfully held up the ratty cloth that he'd been dragging about for half the fic. Sirius shook his head.

"Never mind," he murmured, bending down and siphoning the caffeine off his tootsies with his wand. He tapped at the switch on the coffee maker, which instantly began to purr as it generated more coffee. "Who won the tickling match, by the way?"

Twin glares met his eyes. "Let's call it a tie," Remus said through gritted teeth.

Sirius grinned. "I love quiet afternoons."

At this unassuming statement, a fairly deafening screech was heard from the general direction of the attic. Approximately three seconds later, the kitchen door burst open a second time, and a wild-eyed Bill clutching his left arm dashed in and turned on Sirius.

"Fucking Christ, man!" he exclaimed. "When was the last time you fed that beast?"

Sirius blanched and abandoned the coffee project. "Shit!" he squeaked. As he went pounding down the hall, the occupants of the kitchen heard a wail of, "I'M SORRY, BUCKBEAK!"

"Well," Remus said after a minute. "That was an escapade." He paused for a moment. "Wasn't he feeding him this morning when we were having breakfast?"

The comment was ignored. Tonks looked up at her redheaded school friend. "What'd he do to you?"

"He tried to eat me!" Bill said, still looking a bit frazzled and indignant. "I was coming back to see how you were doing and I thought I might say hello to the beast and then he tried to gnaw my arm off and then I thought I would die and then—"

"Jesus! Bill! Breathe!" Tonks ordered, looking a bit alarmed.

"Right. Breathing. That's a good thing." Bill collapsed into a kitchen chair and seemed a bit calmer. For a second, anyway. "But he tried to bite my arm off!"

"Um, yeah. We heard you the first time," Tonks said distractedly. She carefully examined Bill's bleeding, torn up arm. "Does that hurt?"

"YES!"

"Right. Let's do something about it…"

"Dish towel?" Remus asked. Bill glared.

"I hate you all," he muttered. Tonks helpfully grabbed her wand and poked at the wounds, sealing up the shredded skin.

"How was your date with the French chick?" she inquired.

"Fleur!" Bill snapped. "And for the record, Nymphadora, we screwed in the restaurant's cloakroom. And it was fan-bloody-tastic."

Tonks shuddered. "Don't call me Nymphadora."

"What're you going to do if I do?' Bill said cheekily.

"I'll tell your mother."

"Truce."

Sirius came back into the room rather breathlessly. "Okie dokie now that, that's taken care of!" he said disturbingly cheerfully. Everyone stared. "What?"

"Nothing!" Remus said matching his cheery tone.

"What's gotten you so cheerful, Moony?" Sirius asked wryly.

"Caffeine," was the reply.

"Sure. I think its love," Sirius said devilishly.

"Yes. Of caffeine." Remus grinned most annoyingly.

"Whatever," Sirius said most teenagerishly. Best friends forever be… "How's your arm, Bill?"

"It'll live," Bill said irritably. "You're so lucky I'm an even-tempered guy." Tonks coughed. "What was that?"

"Nothing, Bill."

"Well, it's not like you have a very even temper!" Bill retorted.

"Whatever."

"You'd better watch it, Remus. She's hell during her cycle."

"HEY! Nitwit!" Tonks snapped, bopping Bill with Remus' dishtowel.

"It's true!" Bill said, trying to avoid the damp thwapping.

"Well, maybe if you'd get your own flat instead of crashing on my couch for a month—"

"Your horribly clashing couch, I might interject…"

"I LIKE PINK!"

"You have a pink couch?" Sirius asked, wrinkling his nose.

"And an orange rug!" Bill added. "Not to mention the green ceiling! NEON green!" Sirius looked at his cousin.

"Ew, Tonks. That's so gross."

Tonks glared at Bill. "Just because your hair looks like shit with my furniture doesn't mean I have a bad sense of interior design!"

"But you DO!" Bill shouted, perplexed. "And the walls change colors! It's so unnerving!"

"Well, if you don't like it, you can go back and live with your PARENTS!" Tonks roared. Bill shrank.

"No! Anything but that!"

"So stop saying that my interior design sucks!"

"But it does…."

"ARGH!"

"Wait—Tonks? Bad idea—" Remus' comment was a bit too late as Tonks went flying out of her chair to pounce on her temporary roommate. There was a rather sickening crunch as the joined pair landed flatly on the latter's chest, toppling to the floor. "Oh, dear."

"Crazy wench," Bill groaned from underneath the combined weight.

"I AM NOT A WENCH!"

"Well, not yet," Sirius said quietly in the background."

"So what are you, then, Tonks? A maid? Huh? Huh?" Bill prodded.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I AM!"

There was a long and puzzled silence. "But Tonks," Bill said, "you're not."

"Shut up, Bill."

"No, but really. You're not. I would know."

"Shut UP, Bill!"

"Come on, though. You can't have seriously forgotten that time when we were both totally plastered, and—"

"Good lord," Remus said wide-eyed. "You buttered her muffin?"

Bill eyed Remus warily. "Each day, my confidence in your heterosexuality diminishes."

"That's unfair. Watch!" Remus turned his head and abruptly kissed Tonks. He pulled back with a satisfied smile. Tonks looked shell-shocked.

"What was that for?" she asked breathlessly. Remus reddened a bit.

"Well, I couldn't very well prove my heterosexuality kissing Bill or Sirius," he said, flustered.

Sirius glanced down at his friend on the floor. "But you have kissed me. Don't you remember? You were rather good, actually…."

"Shut up, Sirius. I was drunk!"

"Lightweight."

Bill looked alarmed and glared at the man on top of him. "Okay. Off my chest. Now."

"Will do." Remus rolled off, pulling Tonks with him.

Tonks was still rather dazed from the kiss. Sirius was right. He really had been good…wait a sec. "You kissed Sirius?"

"You let Bill butter your muffin?"

"Quiet. I was drunk," they both said in unison.

"What's up with all this muffin buttering, anyway?" Bill asked. "I thought the technical term was cherry popping? Or maybe—"

"Right," Sirius said lightly. "While you're all lying on my kitchen floor discussing past sexapades, I think I'll go take a nap. Ta-ta." The door slammed and his footsteps faded.

"Well, Tonks," Remus said after a moment, "it certainly does sound like you have an interesting living room."

"You're telling me."

"Oh, shut up, Bill. Go pop yourself."

Later that night, after a most interesting meal accompanied by a guffawing Sirius, Tonks and Remus were in his bedroom, preparing to sleep off the insults. Tonks spread the blankets back.

"I can't believe you actually make your bed," she said, crawling in and yawning. "You're so much better than I am."

"If you set a criteria of goodness on house cleaning," Remus shrugged. After a moment's hesitation, he followed suit and slipped between the sheets.

"Do you think my pajamas are stupid?" Tonks asked.

"Sorry?"

"Bill told me that my pajamas were stupid, and Sirius concurred," Tonks said sadly. "So what do you think?"

Remus carefully surveyed the orange tank top unfortunately matched with a set of magenta boxers printed with pink teddy bears. Tonks nervously smoothed the fabric over her legs.

"I actually stole the boxers from Charlie in his fourth year. He said they impaired his masculinity—"

"They're nice," Remus said. "I like them."

"Really?" Tonks looked touched. And rather pleased.

"Yes. They're very you."

"Well, then." With a hint of pride, she switched off the lights. "Good night."

"Good night." It was only after the lights had vanished and Tonks had slipped into heavy breathing that Remus realized how very difficult it would be to sleep next to a vibrant young woman wearing a tank top and teddy bear boxers.

So he didn't.

And that's all folks! Well, for now that is. We actually have the next chappie written but we'll wait for the bulk of reviews for this one to come in before we post the next one. Heh, we're so cruel. Anyway see you kiddie winkies next time, which will be sooner if you review! (hint hint!) Anyhoo! Toodles!


	6. To clean or not to clean

Howdy folks! We make our dashing and unneccisarily flashy entrance yet again! How have your lives been? Good? We hope so, mostly because people in a snit usually don't review. Anyhoo, if you are in a snit we hope that this will cheer you up! It is an outrageously long chapter, which we considered splitting into two chapters, but since we hadn't updated for awhile, we decided to be nice to our readers and have a mega long chapter, so have fun and if you are so inclined, it will be a great honor to recieve a review from you wonderful people! Enjoy! -------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6

"You look terrible," Tonks noted the next morning, dragging their fingers across her face to wipe the sleep out of her eyes. Remus blinked his own bloodshot eyes and yawned.

"I've looked worse."

"Yeah, but that's at your time of the month. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you sleep well?"

"Sure."

"Liar." Tonks smiled lazily and stretched, pulling herself and her counterpart out of bed. "Let's go have some breakfast."

Remus groaned. "Can't we stay here for one more minute?"

"No! I'm hungry," she persisted, yanking him by the hand. "Remus…"

"Mrmph."

"Remus, I know where you're ticklish."

"I'm up."

"Ah, Nymphie. Must you disgrace my kitchen with those awful scraps of cloth you call pajamas?"

"Glad to see you're up, Sirius."

"You're hurting my eyes."

"Remus likes them."

"Is that so?" Sirius said suggestively, eyeing his bedraggled buddy. "Morning, Moony."

"Mrmph."

"You'll have to excuse him," Tonks scoffed. "Apparently, he decided that it's improper for an unmarried couple to sleep together. Even if they are, actually, just sleeping together."

"He'll pull through," Sirius said affectionately. "Isn't that right, Mr. Endurance?"

"Professor McGonagall? What're you doing in Sirius's kitchen?" Remus said blearily, wavering in front of his best friend.

Aforementioned best friend flushed and raised his wand. "Aguamenti," he muttered.

Spurt.

"Argh!" Tonks emoted, dripping. "You could have had better aim!"

"I agree," Remus murmured, eyes closed. "That was most unnecessary…."

"I totally don't look like McGonagall," Sirius seethed. "Stupid werewolf."

"Mangy cur," Remus mumbled.

"Don't be stupid!" Tonks snapped, whapping Sirius upside the head. "Just get your friend some blinking coffee!"

"Blinking?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever. Bloody. Blasted. Blooming, for God's sake! Just get him the damned coffee!"

"Oh, damned, now, is it?"

"Sirius! Stick to the task at hand!"

"Your hand…"

"Sirius, PLEASE!"

"As you wish, my lady," Sirius said with an exaggerated bow. He poured the coffee with a flourish and was about to hand it over—and then he stopped. "Can I pour it over his head?"

"What? No!"

"But why not?" Sirius whined.

"One, it's scalding hot, which won't be pleasant for either of us. Two, I wouldn't be able to stop sniffing him!"

"Sniffing him?" Ah, the sexual images….

"Yes, sniffing him. The smell of the coffee makes me crazy! It's so yummy!"

"Oh." Once again, Sirius' sick and vicarious sexual fantasies were squelched. He got a devious look. "I think I'll pour it on him anyway!"

"Wait. What? No!"

Sploosh.

"ARRRGH!" Remus jumped up about three feet in the air, yanking Tonks with him. After a hideously un-choreographed landing, Tonks glared and screeched,

"DAMN YOU!"

Remus, who looked frazzled, soaked with coffee, but slightly more focused, said in a clear voice, "Did I miss something?"

Sirius grinned stupidly. "I love that tactic!"

"You've done it before?" Tonks asked, flicking coffee out of her hair. Where was that dishtowel when she needed it?

"Of course! Started in third year. Remember, Reemy?"

"Ah. That was not a good day…." Remus sighed and examined the situation. He pulled out his ever-trusty dishtowel.

_Aha! So that's where it was!_ Tonks thought.

_She's got something on her nose,_ Remus thought.

_What is with him and that bloody dishtowel?_ Sirius thought.

A hippogriff moaned in the background.

"Here," Remus said softly, "you're covered in this dratted stuff…really stupid prank, actually…"

"Is not," Sirius said pointlessly, watching Remus gently pat extra-rich French roast off of Tonks' now slightly wilted pink hair.

"Thanks," she said gratefully. She sniffed at her hand. "Ooh! I smell really good!"

"Sorry?"

"What? I really like the smell of coffee. I bet you smell like it too." She abruptly buried her nose into his hair and sighed blissfully. "Mmm. Scrumptious."

_That feels good….agh! No! Bad Remus! You used to baby-sit for her! Mind over matter! Mind over matter!_

Once again shoving the conflicting little voices out of his head, Remus smiled gently at the girl sniffing his hair. "Well," he said, "I suppose now that we're up, we might as well take a show—ah, damn."

_Yup. Strike one for wolfie. Way to keep control over the situation._

Sirius could barely contain his glee.

"Ah yes a shower sounds lovely." Tonks said not yet registering the details of the dreaded statement.

She paused. "Hang on…" she paused again, "oh my." She reddened somewhat. "Well, no better opportunity to try something new then the present!" she said trying to cover up the waver in her voice at the thought of Remus naked and dripping wet…_No! Bad! Naughty naughty Tonks!_

"Enjoy." Sirius said trying to contain the urge to jump up and down and dance in little circles. He couldn't wait until he told Buckbeak.

Ten minutes later the couple found themselves staring at each other dumbfoundedly each desperately trying to think of a way to do this without jumping the other from the sheer sexiness of it all. God why did the shower have to have one of those bloody see through doors?

"So..uh..how are we going to do this?" Remus asked in a shaky voice.

"Don't peek."

"Uh, right." Remus responded trying desperately not to look down as Tonks struggled out of her shorts and used the engorgement charm on her sleeve, so as to wiggle out of her shirt.

"Argh, Remus can you help me with my bra? I just can't get it on my own."

"Wh- What?" He asked his face flushing.

"God Remus, please tell me you know how to unhook a bra."

"I do but…"

"There's no other way… hop to it kid."

He sighed, good lord, how is one supposed to undress a gorgeous young woman who is about to get into the shower with you, without getting a full blown hard on? Argh, the injustice of it all. He reached over and unclasped her very cute…very sexy pink lacy bra. Sigh, how was he going to survive? He helped her pull it off trying to avert his eyes and ignore his fingers brushing her skin… _ARGH! Bad Remus! Very Bad! _

And now the blasted voices were back. Ah, to hell with it all. _Why don't you peek?_ He blinked.

_What?_

_I said, why don't you have a peek? Come on, you've got the raw material at your disposal—why not give it a feel?_

_ExSCUSE me?_

"What's wrong with you? Never seen a woman's back before?"

"Ah." Remus cleared his suddenly impossibly dry throat. "Something like that. Are you—are you ready to hop in?"

"Bouncing as we speak."

_So I see….agh! BAD VOICE! BAD REMUS! BAD SEX DRIVE! VERY, VERY NAUGHTY!_

"Hang on, aren't you going to undress?"

"Uh…I…"

"Come now, you can't be the only one having fun, off with it!"

"Wha?"

She reached over and tugged at his shirt, "I mean it, off, now!"

Remus looked up and tried very hard to concentrate on the ceiling instead of the beautiful naked woman undressing him. "Oh, God," he breathed.

"What was that?" Tonks said suddenly, looking up at him.

"The….ceiling. It's filthy. And that's a shame. Mrs. Black always liked a clean ceiling." He coughed. Tonks gave him a funny look.

"Okay." She tossed his shirt aside and made a grab at his pants.

"Hey!" He jumped back.

"Hey?" she said in disbelief. "Hey? I'm standing here in my nuddy-pants trying to make even ground and all you can say is 'hey'?"

"Look Tonks, I'll take care of those myself."

She looked crestfallen, or so he hoped…perhaps it was just him.

"You sure you don't need any help?'

"Uh….just don't peek."

"Aye aye sergeant!" She saluted him and went back to his waistband. With a swift, easy motion, she whipped the pajama pants around Remus' ankles.

He stared. "How did you do _that_?" he asked.

She smiled angelically. "Practice."

"Bill?"

"Quiet." She hesitated. "Should I go first?"

"Well, since we're both starkers we might as well go at the same time, there's room." Remus suddenly blushed at his proposal. God his libido would be the death of him yet.

"Um, yeah…um. Really?"

"Why not? We'll….save water…."

"Well….I suppose that there's nothing wrong with a healthy concern for the environment," Tonks said awkwardly. She wrenched open the shower door. "Sirius doesn't know."

"Agreed."

"All right then."

"Ladies first."

They clambered into the stall as best they could. It certainly looked bigger from the outside, Remus found himself standing a little too close for comfort, to Tonks, who was busy fiddling with the taps looking for the right temperature that wouldn't spout giant frog shaped green bubbles. What was up with this family and frogs? Argh. After a minute she found the frogless tap and turned on the shower.

"How's this?" she inquired.

"What?" Remus said distractedly, staring at her hair as best he could trying desperately to battle the ever growing urge to look down.

Sploosh.

A surge of water jumped out of the tap, drenching them both in scalding water. Remus jumped (actually a very unsafe thing to do in the shower, the authors suggest that you do not try it at home—did you know that statistically, thousands of people perish in the bath each year?).

"Bit hot, then?" Tonks said apologetically. "Hmm. Let's try this."

An equally frigid blast of water lunged.

"Hmm. That doesn't seem to have worked either, does it?"

"Here," Remus said, extending a shivering arm over to the taps. "Let me give it a shot." He twirled the first knob he could find.

Who knew how ferocious a spurt of leaping frog bubbles could be?

"Wrong one! Wrong one!" Tonks shouted through the torrents of amphibians hopping through her hair.

"Sorry!" He blindly turned another. The frogs dissipated and a surge of sparkly pink water streamed over them Tonks nodded in approval.

"I like this one."

"Agh." Remus cringed.

Tonks sighed. "Oh, don't be a spoilsport, Remus! It's pretty!"

"Exactly."

She turned around and tapped his bare chest. "Does it impair your masculinity? Is that it?"

"No…" Remus squeaked.

"Okay. Then it should be fine," she said cheerfully, searching for the soap.

"Wait! Actually….I, um—"

"Yes?"

He swallowed. "I think perhaps we might want to test the full range of this bathing implement before making a final decision."

She grinned. Oh it so did impair his masculinity. Heh, but she was enjoying the experience enough to be kind for once and allowed him to turn another tap.

A sheet of crystal clear blue water came cascading over them. "Mmm much better."

Despite her partiality to pink she was inclined to agree, this one was nice. "Okay, this one stays." She ginned as she could see his sigh of relief. She figured he would never be able to live down taking a sparkly pink shower. Ah well, that could be fixed later. She reached for the soap and began scrubbing her shoulders.

"Still feel gay?" she asked brightly.

"What?"

"Admit it. The girly shower made you feel gay."

"Trust me, Nymphadora, gay is far from what I feel right now," Remus said, watching the soap slide up and down her wet, slippery, NUDE skin.

"Want me to do you?"

"Ah—what?"

"Your back. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Wash.Your. Back?"

"Uh…sure." He didn't know how long he would be able to holdout before shoving her up against the wall and kissing her passionately…having his mad, soapy way with her_…bad Remus…must stop…thinking!_

"Oh, damn, dropped the soap." Tonks swooped down to retrieve the mischievous little bugger, brushing her (extraordinarily lovely) ass against Remus' legs. He fairly thought he was going to faint. All this steam and skin and…_soap_ was really beginning to set a scene…an extremely sexy scene….

_Jump her._

_What? No!_

_It's the perfect opportunity! What's wrong with you? What's holding you back?_

_A sense of PROPRIETY!_

_Screw propriety. In fact, screw _her._ Quickly, too. You're getting antsy._

_Would you be quiet? This is wrong. Very wrong indeed._

_Are you kidding? Didn't you feel it when she bent down and—_

_Sooooo wrong….._

_BOTH OF YOU! OUT! _he shouted internally.

Tonks popped up with the soap. "Ready for your rub-down?"

Agh.

"'Course." He muttered shakily.

"turn around…unless you want me to take care of your chest first?"

"I'd like that."

_IDIOT! Numbskull, God! Why did you say that WHY?_

_Smooth move kid, brilliant! _

_Argh, NO! All chance with her is gone..GONE! ruined…forever stained!_

_Will you get a bloody life and shut the hell up?_

_STAINED!_

He returned from his brief reverie when she grinned and began rubbing his chest with the bar of soap, it seemed that voice #2 had won this round.

Tonks happily skated the soap over his skin. Just think. Yesterday, she'd been stuck fantasizing about seeing him in the shower, and today she was with him _in_ the shower! Hooray!

"Want me to do you next?"

She dropped the soap again. "Um—what?"

Remus grinned devilishly. "Your back. You're doing such a good job that I might as well return the favor, don't you think?"

_I'm going to die,_ she thought frantically. _I am going to pass out from sheer lust, hit my head, and die in Mrs. Black's shower. And then, knowing my luck, I'd manage to pull Remus down with me, so we'd BOTH die in Mrs. Black's shower, and then Sirius would find me and have a HELL of a story to tell at our funeral. And Bill would never live it down. Even if I was dead. Bah._

Remus smiled coyly. "Would you like me to get that?"

"Uh….huh. Yeah….."

"All righty."

He bent down to retrieve the rouge cleaning utensil and stood back up lightly brushing her hips making her practically shiver and swoon.

"Ready?" he asked. She swayed in response. Remus looked alarmed and instantly reached out to steady her. "Good God. Are you all right?"

She blinked at him.

"Tonks?"

Blink.

"Tonks?"

Blink, blink, blink.

"Will you say something?"

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Your hands are on my hips."

"Oh." Remus glanced down. "So they are. Sorry…." Remus couldn't help looking down. The voices returned.

_Wow…._

_Ack! Bad idea! Stupid Remus! Stupid! Stupid! Stuuuuuuuupid!_

_Yeah, we know, but….wow….._

_OH! Go off and—_

_Butter her muffin?_

_I hate you._

"I think I'm clean," Tonks said awkwardly.

"Of course you're not."

Tonks grinned, he had most definitely loosened up over the past hour or so, _hmmm, perhaps he does like me? No that would be hoping to much, for now just breathe and ask him to wash your….back. Yes…back. _

"I'm not clean?" she asked, pretending to be dejected. Just to see what would happen. Evil little twit.

"Oh, no, Tonks, you're very dirty," he winked. _Oh, God. Did I just say that? When was the last time I was in a dedicated relationship? One that didn't involve mating and chains? AGH!_

"Dirty?" Ooooh. _I could get used to this new Remus….I wonder if he likes chains…._

"Yes. Dirty." He desperately tried not to blush. "Besides, if you're going to be connected to me all day, you're not going to run about smelling like coffee! And God knows what else you've gotten yourself covered in, in the last twenty-four hours."

"But don't you like that smell, Remus?" Tonks asked lazily. "Don't you find it…sexy?"

_You DO! You DO! You TOTALLY DO!_

_Ack! I don't! Shut up!_

_JUMP HER!_

Remus cleared his throat. "Um. Sure. Yeah. It's…very nice….like your pajamas." He mentally bonked himself over the head. _Pajamas? You brought up her PAJAMAS! Stupid Remus, you never pick up a girl by talking about her jam-jams!_

Apparently, Tonks thought differently. "You really do like them?" she asked happily.

"Yes. They're….lovely."

"Yay!"

HUG!

_Oh, my God, oh, my God. Woman's naked chest pressed up against mine. Ooh…feels good…NO! Bad! Very bad! Must not get hard on in shower!_

Tonks smirked smugly in satisfaction.

_Ha. Now I know how big he is!_

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So there it is! Bwaha amazingly long chappie! So don't get your knickers in a twist if we don't update for two weeks! (Of course we wouldn't actually be THAT mean, it'll probably be a maximum of a week and a half) Anyhoo, what did you guys think? Like/dislike? Oh, by the way one thing we got a kick out of was a reviewer thought we were too "Vulgar" for their taste. This statement got me to thinking...why the hell would someone who considered this fic (up till this chapter by the way) "vulgar" be stupid enough to read M rated fanfiction? Ah well shall continue to ponder this... (If anyone has an answer to this deep and troubling question, wee'd love it if you put your two cents in, in REVIEW form..hint...hint!) Okie dokie, hope you enjoyed this chapter and see you next time! Toodles!


	7. Sunshine and Meatloaf

Hi everyone! Alright, first off, I am SO sorry for taking bajillion years to update; needless to say you are all probably ready to chop my head off. Well here is the seventh chapter, and it is LONG! So there it is, compensation for the long wait. Hope you all enjoy!

To Noni-noelle: I am so sorry that I insulted you, I just was a bit shocked by the comment and looking for something funny to say, I didn't realize that I made you the scapegoat of a mean joke, being a liberal agnostic from NYC I guess our tongues are a little bit looser here. I wanted to apologize for the bantering you got from me and our other reviewers, I am touched that after that you are continuing to read the fic, you're so NICE! So yes, deepest apologies. –Laanessness (proud lead writer of Thepotteridentity)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 7

Some time later, after much cleansing, cleaning, and mild molestation, Tonks had unwittingly allowed herself to be physically dragged to the library (not that she had much of a choice….) by Remus, and was currently sitting next to him, being very bored. Despite the fact that she was sitting next to her dream dude, she felt less stimulated than she had all day (probably because she'd already shared a shower with aforementioned dream dude, but still) as she sat, twitching her toes inside their gigantic stripy socks and watching Remus read. Her hands, she realized, were less than a foot from his ass, but alas, that is the curse of love: so near, yet so far.

THE AGONY!

So, like any quasi-normal person, Tonks relieved her frustration by singing bad nineties' music. She took her potentially sinful hands up to the tabletop and began to drum them on a stack of books. She cleared her throat and began to wail.

"I'm gonna soak up the sun! Gonna tell everyone…"

Remus jolted upright. How odd. Not that being attached to his best friend's cousin wasn't odd, but really. Well. Perhaps he could block it out….

_You could join in,_ the naughtier voice in his subconscious suggested.

_Agh._

Luckily, he didn't have to worry about his predicament for long.

"WHOEVER'S LETTING TONKS SING, MAKE HER STOP!" Sirius shouted from the other side of the rather large house.

Remus gave Tonks a gentle disapproving look. She nodded compliantly. Remus returned to his reading, only to hear a second rendition of Sheryl Crowe's pride and joy via humming.

"MMMM! MMmm, mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm-MMMMMMM!" The pink hair bobbed. The abrasive voice from the other side of the house returned.

"WHOEVER'S LETTING TONKS HUM, MAKE HER STOP!"

Remus met eyes with Tonks again. "Sorry," he shrugged.

She sighed, paused, and began to do the most atrocious of sitting down dances. Remus looked rather alarmed. Sirius, in his plotting lair, seemed to expect the development of distraction.

"REMUS, MAKE THAT CHILD STOP DANCING! NOW!"

Tonks swiftly shifted to a new method.

"AND DON'T LET HER SING INSIDE HER HEAD, EITHER!"

Tonks looked positively flabbergasted. "How does he _do_ that?"

Remus shrugged again and turned a page in his book. "I've spent years trying to figure that out. He used to be able to tell when James was stealing his boxers. While he was sitting in the Great Hall. Eating my oatmeal when I wasn't watching." He looked puzzled. "How _does _he do that?"

"Maybe he was dropped on the head at birth and got positive results," Tonks suggested thoughtfully. "I wish I'd gotten positive results."

Remus nodded sleepily. Tonks leaned closer.

"What're you reading?"

"A book about the history of Gulping Plimpies, and why they can't possibly be real—"

"Hey. Don't insult the Gulping Plimpies. I happen to be suffering from a very terrible case," she said, playfully poking him. He jumped with a squeak like the Pillsbury Doughboy's. Tonks gasped happily. "That is so cute!" she exclaimed.

Remus sat down, slightly flustered. "You shouldn't scare people like that."

"I'm sorry," Tonks said, hugging him. She sniffed his hair. "Ooooh!

"What?"

"You still smell like coffee!" She buried her nose into his hair again. "Mmmm."

Across the house, Sirius considered yelling to make Tonks stop thinking lustful thoughts, but he decided to resist the urge.

Remus didn't know quite what to do. He was apparently spending quality times with a girl he was _extremely_ fond of (I mean, who doesn't like watching other people read books?), and her response to his efforts was to…smell him.

What?

He wasn't sure if he should smile or joke or sniff her or just go back to reading. So instead, he took the easy way out, and fell asleep.

Remus woke to the afternoon sun streaming in golden strands through the library windows and to Tonks' face, which was currently clad in a particularly ugly pair of reading glasses. He blinked. The glasses remained.

"Hi!" Tonks said cheerily. "I started to read your book. Gulping Plimpies really are quite interesting!"

"Good…I'm glad you enjoy them…." Yes, his response was stupid, but….the glasses…so gross….

"Do you like my glasses? Bill gave them to me for my birthday!"

Remus swallowed very hard and tried not to blink, as he looked straight into her bespectacled eyes. "They're lovely."

"Thanks!" Tonks was touched. Only someone who truly cared would make so much effort to lie about such a horrid set of glasses. Stupid Bill. Just because her birthday was on April Fool's Day….

"What time is it?"

"Time for you to get a watch!" Sirius said, swinging into the room with a smile and an ancient metal tea set. "Who wants to polish silver?"

Tonks and Remus exchanged glances. "Um, we can't do it," Tonks said hurriedly.

"Right," Remus said. "We have to go do, um, that…that…thing!"

"Yeah! Yeah, of course, _that_ thing…uh…so we'd better get going—"

"To our room—"

"Yeah, to do the thing…."

They were halfway out of their chairs when Sirius winked suggestively and said, "OH! _That_ thing! Hey, nice going, Moony!"

Remus stopped dead and sighed. "We'll polish."

"Damn!" Tonks said. Remus and Sirius stared at her. "I mean…." She suddenly wrung her hands. "Look at these hands! They're so soft and beautiful! Think of what will happen to them after being submerged in cleaning supplies and worked to the bone!"

"We've heard it all, Nymphie. Sit down and shut up," Sirius said with a grin. "Nice specs, by the way." He pranced out of the room, leaving the silver accoutrements behind.

"Shit!" Tonks whined.

"You know, Nymphadora, we can use our wands."

"Oh, right." She paused. "Stupid Mum!"

Fifteen minutes and shiny silverware later, they paraded into the kitchen to prepare dinner and relocate Remus' dearest, darlingest dishtowel.

Shortly afterward the three current (human) inhabitants were sitting at the rather unpleasantly large dinner table. Picking at steak, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

"This is a really stupid meal."

"Shut up Sirius, at least WE can cook!"

"You mean at least Remus can cook."

"I resent that."

" Tonks can cook." Remus piped up in an attempt to end the argument that was bound to come.

"Since when?"

"Since forever!" The pink haired young woman protested.

"Nu-uh."

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh"

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh"

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh"

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Sorry."

"No you're not."

"No really, I am."

"I'm not starting this again."

"Eh, have it your way." Sirius said non-chalantly as though nothing had happened.

"Argh."

"You're telling me."

The meal continued in silence for a few minutes. Remus was having trouble eating with his left hand. The steak was missing his mouth multiple times, and eventually he was reduced to lunging out to grab the piece of meat with his teeth, precariously dangling from his fork. After the third time this had happened Tonks couldn't stand it anymore. She burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry." She choked out in response to Remus' glare as Sirius joined in the laughter. "It was just to pitiful to stand anymore, here let me help you."

"What?" Too late. Tonks hand pulled her chair around to face him and picked up his fork with the increasingly annoying meat on it and held it out for him. "Tonks I…."

"No buts! I am going to help you eat and that is final!"

"This is degrading."

"Deal with it buster. Now do you want the choo choo train or airplane?"

"Ugh."

"Look, I can be much more crude if you prefer."

"Airplane."

"Vvvvvvvrrooooommmmm! Here comes ickle Remie-poo's steak!"

"Tonks if you don't cease and desisit right now I will refuse to eat another bite of my dinner."

"I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request."

"Damn."

"Open wide _Remie-poo_!" Sirius taunted, practically gasping for breath at the hilarity of his best friend's situation.

"Fuck off."

"So it's that time of month is it?"

"HOLY SHIT!" Tonks yelled jumping up and accidentally overturning her water on Sirius' plate. "The full moon!" She was hyperventilating, "What'll we do? What'll we do? What'll we do? What'll we do? What'll we do? What'll we do? What'll we do? What'll we –"

"Tonks"

"What?"

"Its not for three weeks, Sirius is just being an ass."

"Oh……..Fuck you!"

"No thanks, I don't do incest."

"Argh. Asshat."

"I don't appreciate that."

"Good."

"Why do you both always seem to spill things on me?" Sirius asked annoyed, as he examined his now dampened plate.

"Not on you, on the meatloaf."

"Is this your twisted idea of the next Noah's ark?" Sirius asked hysterically, poking the floating meatloaf.

"Right, the last human of the earth sailing to safety on a giant meatloaf, that'd make an absolutely fantastic myth." Tonks replied huffily.

"But my meatloaf." Sirius said, still examining the watery remains of his late dinner.

"I thought you said this dinner was stupid."

"It was but I was still planning on eating it!"

"Whatever, maybe Buckbeak will eat it."

"Eww, even I'm not that cruel!" He received two pointed glares. "I'm not!"

"Not comment there, cous."

"You guys are mean. Fine I'll see you later." He got up with his soupy food to find a more creative way of disposing it then putting it in the ever-trusty trashcan.

"I'm tired." Tonks said pretending to yawn. Remus knew better. She wasn't that tired, but she knew he was. For that he was grateful, but he highly doubted that she would be able to successfully amuse herself until she got sleepy, and not disturb his sleep. _'Ah well_' he thought, '_Might as well give it a try_.' So he nodded his agreement.

"Me too. Should we head up to bed?"

"Well when you put it that way Mr. Lupin…."

" Tonks."

"Spoilsport."

"Am I?"

"Depends."

"I see."

A few minutes later found them in Remus' bedroom, dressed in their jammies and ready for bed.

"Are you actually going to sleep tonight?" Tonks asked as she crawled in between the warm comforters dragging Remus after her.

"Perhaps."

"That's not an answer."

"Yes?"

"I'm not sleeping till you do."

"I highly doubt that you'll be able to do that Tonks."

"Remus you need to sleep. Am I really that scary?" She added a slightly hurt tone to the latter part, she was a little nervous to hear his response, maybe she really was disgusting while she slept…..when was the last time she had shaved?...SHIT! _Hang on, _she thought,_ I can metamorph it away! Stupid men._

"Don't worry Tonks you're anything but scary." He said, a hint of…was it lust? In his voice. "It just doesn't feel…proper."

"Being stuck to your hand doesn't exactly feel proper either Remus."

"Good point."

"Will you sleep then?"

"I will."

"Promise?"

"Nymphadora, you can trust me."

"I know, but sometimes you worry me. You and your bloody propriety."

"Come now the world needs the last remaining gentleman."

"Indeed, now get some sleep before I slip you something during dinner that'll knock you out for days!"

"Now I know you wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? Try me."

"You'd get too bored."

"I'd always have Sirius."

"You know you love me better."

"I do."

"Really?"

"You can trust me Remus."

"Hey no using other people's serious phrases!"

"Serious or Sirius?"

"I really hate that pun."

"Have you ever talked to him for awhile trying to say serious as many times as possible in a single sentence?"

"YES! I never knew anyone else did it!"

"Oh my god, totally! What's your record?"

"Three days."

"Shit! Mine was two hours." Tonks hung her spiky head. "I never win at making fun of Sirius contests."

" It's a very difficult art."

"Of course."

"Do you sleep with your hair like that?"

"Dunno. I usually make it long and silky before I go to bed so I don't impale myself in my sleep, but apparently it changes styles as I sleep, most likely depending on what I'm dreaming at the time. Its anyone's guess as to what it'll be the next morning. I've woken up with a green and orange checkered Mohawk before."

"What were you dreaming then?"

"No idea."

"The epitomy of bead head huh?"

"You're telling me."

"Let me see you change it."

"Alright." She suddenly got sort of shy, she had no idea how she looked when she changed but she stopped and made her bubblegum pink spikes turn into long soft golden-brown waves. "Do you like it?" she asked tentatively, he was staring at her.

"Its beautiful." He said softly reaching out and running his fingers through it. "I love it. It suits you." She looked so adorable when she transformed. She squeezed her eyes shut and wrinkled her nose in a way that made him want to just reach out and tweak it. He grinned at her and she blushed.

" Thanks." She replied, as she snuggled closer to him. "I'm cold."

"Well then we'll get another blanket." He said starting to get up.

"NO!" she said hastily pulling him back down. "Don't bother."

"But if you're cold…"

"Body heat works wonders Remus." He smiled. He knew what she was getting at. He had wanted to touch her, to hold her in his arms for so long, even the smallest amount of contact was appreciated. Yet dangerous. He somehow didn't trust himself to let it stay at just that, snuggling in bed, especially when he wanted so much more.

"Well, when you put it that way Miss Tonks…" She grinned cheekily at him. He reached out pulling her closer. Her small body pressed up against his, with her head on his chest. He rested his chin on her head, breathing in her scent through her soft brown hair. He liked it, of course he'd like any style on her, even a green and orange checkered Mohawk…

She sighed. "Mmmmmmm…" and snuggled closer. It was all he could do from kissing her right there, but he somehow held back. A few minutes later he could hear her soft even breathing. Shortly afterward he fell into a deep sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alrighty! So yet again, the deepest apologies for taking so bloody long to update, so many Midterms! Gah! Ok anyhoo, hope you guys liked the latest chappie; hopefully we'll be able to crank the next one out before thanksgiving! Reviews might encourage us to do that! (Hint hint!) Ok, so thanks to all the previous reviewers for their comments and we'll see you next time!


	8. Naughty Boys and Vibrant Flats

Oh, gosh. This is so strange. I never write the notes to these things. I just turn over the computer to Laanessness, and God knows what winds up on the webpage. Very strange indeed. At any rate, as usual, we'd like to thank all of you heartily for your lovely reviews and support. Kudos to you for being kind people. (snaps fingers in recognition) Keep up the good work, kiddy winkies. We hope you enjoy this chapter!

Much love, evilemmylou -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Naughty Boys and Vibrant Flats"

The next morning, a considerably better rested Remus and Tonks ambled into the kitchen, both clad in rather bizarre pajamas, to the sight of a concerned looking Sirius poring over a letter at the breakfast table. Despite the lack of wisdom they would display entering the room of underlying discord, they quickly were confronted by the scent of waffles and were compelled to shuffle in.

"Morning, Padfoot."

"Hi, Sirius."

"Hi," Sirius said distantly, taking a sip of his orange juice. He glanced up, promptly spewing out the recently consumed orange juice through his nostrils.

Remus rolled his eyes. "I'll never figure out why you do that."

Sirius chose to ignore the comment and launched into "fashion police" mode. "What the fuck are you wearing?" he asked in a terrible awe.

"Oh. That." Remus shrugged. "You seem to have stolen my standard pajamas, so I had to borrow a pair of Tonks'."

"I did not!" Sirius protested. He glanced down. "Oh. Maybe I did. Sorry about that. Are those the only pajamas you have?"

"Well, no, but considering that you used my other pairs to patch that leak in the roof…"

"Oh, right."

Tonks looked up in interest. "The ones that the chandelier ate?" Remus nodded. "Those were yours?" He nodded again. "Oh, I'm sorry! Sucks to be you!"

"It's all right. They were moldy anyway."

"And this is completely ignoring the fact that he could have used magic?" Tonks asked teasingly.

"He figured that one out about a day and a half later," Remus smiled. "Quite an escapade, no?" Sirius grunted, having returned to his letter. "Is everything all right?"

"Bee in your bonnet?" Tonks grinned, sashaying to the coffee.

"Hmmm." Sirius looked up. "Harry wants to get his….his, ah, thing….pierced. Is that normal?"

"We'll come back later," Remus said abruptly, pulling Tonks out the door with him.

"No, wait!" She resisted and pulled them both back to the kitchen table. "I'm so glad that we're the ones you asked!"

Remus looked startled. "Um."

"Oh, Bill and Charlie went through the exact same thing." Tonks waved her hand impatiently.

"And yet he buttered your muffin—"

"Shut _up!_ That was before he had a needle jammed through, which, by the way, looked _excruciating_—"

"You were _there?"_

"He needed moral support. The point is (so to speak), tell Harry not to do it."

Sirius grinned at his cousin. "You're a lot cooler than I thought."

"I know." Tonks reached across the table and purloined one of his waffles, promptly coating herself and Remus in syrup. "Bugger." She sighed. "We're using the sixth floor shower this time," she said as Remus silently mopped up the stickiness with his—take a wild guess—dish towel.

"Why?"

"It's bigger." Tonks very much wanted to slap Sirius for the look that he was giving them, but she instead ignored it and allowed herself to be caressed with terry cloth.

"We might as well do some laundry while we're at it," Remus added. "All of my clothes have been doused in coffee or consumed by chandeliers or something."

"Speaking of that, I would like to get back to my flat today and pick up some more clothes." Tonks considered this. "And to make sure that Bill hasn't totally fucked up my home."

"Don't get your hopes up," Remus said as Sirius asked eagerly, "which kind of fuck?"

Tonks sighed. "Boys."

"Men!" Sirius said indignantly.

"Boys," Tonks said again.

"Boys," Remus agreed. He took a caffeinated quaff of the coffee in front of him. "So where do you live?"

"London. Not very far from here. About twelve blocks, actually. Although I still don't want to walk." She paused. "You just took a sip of my coffee."

"Did I?" Remus gave the coffee a puzzled look. "Oh."

"That's a very couple-y thing to do. Share coffee," Sirius said nonchalantly. The non-couple glared at him. "I'm just saying."

"Well, then. Where were we?"

"Apparating to my lovely flat," Tonks reminded.

"Lovely?" Sirius scoffed. "Green walls? Hardly lovely."

"What d'you call this dump?" Tonks sneered.

"A dump," Sirius answered.

"And they're not always green! They change colors."

"Hmm. Apparently, interior design runs in this family," Sirius said lightly, opening his newspaper (which had been delivered by a particularly violent owl earlier that morning, but we'll get into that later).

"We're leaving," Tonks declared, rising from the table and pulling along her protesting companion.

"But I haven't finished my coffee yet—"

"_My _coffee!"

"All the same, I think—AGH!"

Five seconds later, Remus found another reason to scream.

"Are you okay?" Tonks asked, looking worried.

Remus blinked at the decidedly….psychedelic living room that they were standing in. "Is…is this where you live?"

"Yup!"

"Wow. It's…it's really, very….very…"

"Vibrant?" Tonks chirped.

"You could say that…" _So you want a woman whose apartment burns holes in your corneas? _

And thus began the unfortunate return of the voices.

_It's not that…bad…It's charming….ish…._

_It's gross. You should have screwed her in the shower when you had the chance._

_It's NOT gross. It's just different. The color combinations are really quite, erm, imaginative, and—oh, my God, that wall just turned puce. I'm going to have a seizure._

"Want some tea, Remus?" Tonks said, busily bustling towards the kitchen in a manner not dissimilar to Mrs. Weasley on a mission.

"I'm—I'm all right, thanks," he answered a bit shakily, allowing himself to be led into a smaller room lined with wallpaper blaring out images of cherries, bananas, pineapples, limes and strawberries.

"Well, _I _want some tea," Tonks said defiantly. "With that watered down shit Sirius claims is Earl Grey, I feel as though I deserve a good strong cuppa."

_Haha. She said cuppa!_

_Quiet._

Tonks poked at the kettle with her wand, and as the shiny red pot began to hiss steam, she reached up for a mug. "Remus," she said over the boiling water's screech, "would you look in the fridge and see if Bill's bought new milk or let it all go green?"

"Green?" Remus queried as he checked the nearly empty shelves, laden with thirteen brands of diet soft drinks, a pint of mushy coffee ice cream, and what appeared to be a leapord-printed tooth brush.

"It's happened. Trust me," Tonks replied with a shudder. She plopped a tea bag into her mug and drowned it in a stream of hot water. "So what's the verdict?"

"Sorry? Oh, the milk. Right." Remus glanced in again. "I don't think you have any…there's a tooth brush, if that helps you."

Tonks' head whipped to the interior of her refrigerator. "You're kidding me." She poked her face next to Remus' and scowled. "Dammit! Bill's been using my tooth brush! I hate that!"

"How do you know?" Remus asked, rather bewildered as he stared into a field of soda cans, cheek to cheek with an exceptionally lovely young woman with a home that matched her hair.

"I keep my tooth brush in the freezer normally so that he can't get at it," Tonks explained. "But he must have come across it and put it back in the wrong spot."

"Oh." Well, that….sort of made sense…."Is that why the ice cream's in the wrong place?"

"No, the ice cream's in the right place. It gets all nice and soft when it's not so cold. Here." Tonks pulled her pink hair out of the refrigerator, taking the ice cream with her. After pulling Remus aside and slamming the door shut, she reached into a drawer, pulled out an engraved spoon and plunged it into the carton. "Open your mouth," she coaxed. Without thinking, Remus did so (actually to speak a word of quiet reason, but all the same) and found his tongue being slathered with creamy espresso goodness.

The authoring team will now need to take a six minute break to dash off and get their own ice cream, as this scene is proving to be a great prompter for their own cravings.

All right. Much better. Moving on. Remus with coffee nipping through his veins.

"Nice, isn't it?" Tonks smiled, removing the spoon and digging into the pint again for her own serving. "All right. I need to go pack some things." Remus and ice cream in tow, she plowed off to her bedroom, which turned out to be less intense in color scheme, but mind-boggling in its messiness. Panties of all shapes and patterns were strewn across the floor, donning roses, teddy bears, more cherries, candy canes and little hearts. Newspaper articles and moving photographs were pinned so thickly to the walls that had they been painted an offensively bright color, Remus wouldn't have been able to tell. A model Nimbus 2001 buzzed in circles over a heap of books and bras, half-consumed cups of tea littered the dresser, and a wastebasket was overflowing with decidedly rumpled and desecrated documents. The only neat part of the room seemed to be the centered bed, which was swathed in a straight and tidy orange and pink striped comforter. Tonks pouted.

"Bill's been sleeping in my bed? After using my toothbrush? Bitch." She plodded to the other side of the room, kicking a pair of cat shaped slippers that promptly meowed in annoyance, and grabbed a large polka-dotted tote bag.

"How can you tell?" Remus asked as Tonks began to toss in underwear, t-shirts, socks, and the occasional robe or notepad.

"He made it." She grinned. "He should know me better than that. I never make my bed." She returned to her casual packing.

Remus smiled back and looked at the bulletin board camouflaged with the wall. On it were tacked photographs of Andromeda and Ted, Sirius, Kingsley Shacklebolt, several of the Weasleys, Snape (this picture rather looked as though it'd been used as a dartboard), and…himself.

"You have a picture of me?" he found himself saying.

"Yeah…Dumbledore sent me a slew of pictures when I joined the Order so that I would recognize everyone. Kind of stupid, though. I knew all of you, mostly. I mean, we've known each other since I was four, for God's sake. You always had the best games when you baby-sat." She gave the pictures a fond and reminiscing glance. "It was a pleasure to see you again."

"Ah." Remus looked at the board again. Between the Weird Sister's poster and the "Make Love, Not War" button, Sirius' picture winked down at him. Remus swallowed. "Tonks—"

"Do you like Exploding Snap? Or should I leave my set at home? I'm only asking because the one at Grimmauld's Place is kind of moldy and sets of these weird blue sparks—"

"Tonks, can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Of course. We're attached by the hand. You can tell me anything."

"Right. All right." Remus gently sat down on the well-made bed. Tonks obediently perched next to him, still grasping her bag and cards. Her hair, as opposed to last night's wavy locks, was again standing in straight pink spikes, and her eyes glowed curiously lavender to coordinate. The room's business reflected off of her pale cheeks, she still smelled sugary from the ice cream, and she was smiling.

"What is it?" she asked pleasantly.

Remus swallowed again. "Listen, in the last couple of days, I've been thinking—"

"You always are, Professor."

"Right. And after mulling this over many times, I think, ah, I _know,_ actually—"

"Know what? What are you saying?" Tonks said almost hopefully. Remus closed his eyes.

"I lo—"

"Eez zees zee place, Bill?" The door creaked open and voices fluttered in. Tonks twitched to attention.

"This would be it. What say you, darling?"

"Well, eet certainly eez a pig sty! What a slob you must be!"

"Yeah, but I'm a sexy slob, right?"

"Mmm….I am not so sure about that…per'aps you could prove it to me? Mmm?"

"I don't see why not!" came the cheerful response.

Tonks pulled a terrible face. "Oh, my God!" she whispered. "He's going to shag her on my couch! It'll be descecrated!"

"Why would he do that?" Remus whispered back, wrenching himself out of his confessing mode.

"Remus, are you kidding me? He's sweet talking her, and doing that—that _thing _with his tongue, I swear to God I can hear him do it—"

"No. Why would he desecrate your couch when there's a perfectly good bed right in here?"

Pause.

"Oh, my GOD!" Tonks screeched under her breath. "We have to go."

"Now?"

"Yes, _now_. This will become awkward and unpleasant."

"Shouldn't we just stay for a while and say hello?"

"_NOW!"_ Tonks grabbed her bag, squinted, and promptly had them back to Grimmauld's Place, where they found a sink full of dishes, a pile of letters to answer, and Sirius psychoanalyzing Buckbeak.

Remus internally sighed and braced himself for another long day.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SIGH! POOR REMUS! All right. The authoring team is calming itself as it reaches the end of another chapter. We hoped you liked it, and just remember—the more reviews we get, the more motivation we have to write. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll to you all!

God, we're hot!


	9. With age comes wisdom, maybe?

Howdy folks! We are FINALLY back. We are SOOOO sorry for taking for fucking ever. We understand if you wish to rip our heads off. But we have, after months of laziness and procrastination updated and we have not given up, we just simply had a writer's block. So here it is without further ado, chapter nine!

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"So, tell me about your mother." Sirius perched Tonks' ugly reading glasses more firmly on the end of his nose and readjusted Remus' good quill in his right hand as he sat upon his dear old mum's musty old bed. Buckbeak, the victim of this particularly horrible psychoanalysis, sat in a crumpled heap of feathers on the floor, wondering how much more of this he would have to endure. The questions! The stupidity! The _glasses!_ He wasn't sure if he could take it much longer.

Looking impatient, Sirius flipped another page in Bill's notebook and stared sternly down at the unfortunate lump of hippogriff on the carpet. "Now that won't do at all!" he scolded. "You're utterly ignoring me! Unless—aha! You were a rebel!" The stolen quill went skating across the equally stolen notebook. "I can see it all now—black leather, inappropriate talon clippings, pierced birdy genitals, heavy metal—your life makes so much more sense now!"

Buckbeak heaved a particularly sad sigh, having heard the words "birdy genitals."

THE AGONY!

Our favorite hippogriff, however, was presently rescued by several crashing sounds and Tonks' anguished cry of "MY BED! MY BEAUTIFUL BED! RUINED! SCARRED!"

"Tonks, calm down, it'll be all right…."

"SCARRED!"

"It's—it's just a bed, and a bed's, ah, just a bed, and, while we're on the topic, you know, a wand's really… just… a wand…maybe?"

"SACRILEGE! I AM FORCED TO ABANDON SOCIETY AND LIVE NAKED IN THE WOODS AS A HUNTER GATHER! THE SHAME!"

"...what? Wouldn't you be cold?"

"I AM NOW…OLGA! WARRIOR WOMAN EXTRAORDINAIRE! OBSERVE AS I REMOVE MY LEFT BREAST!"

"Erm…Tonks? Wouldn't you just like to keep both of them?…they're nice together…and so is London…."

"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"But—but—but I don't like the woods."

"AIEEEE—oh. That's right. You'd be coming with. Ha. That would be quite rude of me, wouldn't it?"

Remus nodded fervently.

"Well, then. I suppose I'll just have to burn my bed and buy a new one. And give Bill a good spanking." Tonks paused. "That's not as wrong as it sounds, I swear."

Whatever.

"Or you could just…maybe…ah, launder the sheets?" Remus suggested tentatively.

Tonks stopped in mid-bitch. "Oh. That's not a bad idea. I could just…launder the sheets. And everything will be better."

"I don't know," Sirius said, having abandoned his patient upon the word "breast." "That sort of thing can really _penetrate_."

Remus quietly buried his face in his hands. Well, one hand, as the other was being waved furiously at Sirius by his cousin. "Shut up, you big footed stupid little convict!' she seethed.

"Why?" he responded petulantly.

"Because…because you were just psychoanalyzing a hippogriff, that's why!"

"So?" Sirius shrugged, looking most ridiculous in his cousin's eyewear. "It beats head shrinking Harry. My God, bitch, bitch, bitch. Stupid teenage boys." He glanced down. "Do I really have big feet?"

Remus smiled. "You know, you were a teenage boy too, once."

"Never said I wasn't, still am actually."

"Um…no you're not."

"Uh, yes I am. I'm nineteen."

"Sorry to bust your bubble Padfoot but you're turning 36 next week."

"Don't be stupid I'm turning twenty."

"But Sirius, I'm 24." Tonks said trying to fight the signature Black stubbornness.

"So? Hey I'm the youngest here!"

"Uh…Sirius." Remus tried, "I'm three months older then you and I'm 36."

"Now that's just silly, with that comely figure you don't look a year over 20."

"Well that's very nice of you Sirius but I must remind you that following your logic, Tonks is 8."

"Hmmm." Sirius said surveying her, "You look _good_ for 8."

Tonks blushed. "But…but…but…if I'm 8 then that…that…that makes Harry like negative 9."

"Ha ha ha you're so funny…wait…OH NO!" Sirius stared horrorstruck at the other two. "I'M OLD!"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say old…" Remus said a little peeved. "I mean, we're not middle aged yet…"

"YET? I solemnly swear that I won't reach 40."

"Don't say that, that makes me sad. And look on the bright side, you look good for 36."

"35!"

"Not for long."

"ARGH!"

"Oh dear, here have some chocolate, it'll make you feel better." Remus produced a bar of his trademark chocolate from one of his many sweater pockets.

"ACK! CELLULITE AT MY AGE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? I WOULD LIKE TO _TRY_ TO HANG ON TO MY YOUTHFUL FIGURE WHILE I'VE STILL GOT IT! I'm going to go find a grapefruit." With this he stormed off into the kitchen.

"I don't think we should have told him." Tonks said looking worriedly after the retreating figure of her newly 35-year-old cousin.

"Tonks…he thought he was 20."

"19." Tonks corrected him. "And anyway, who cares? The idea seems to have done some serious damage." At this Remus burst into laughter. "What? Oh. Serious/Sirius pun. Right. Boys."

"Men. And according to his own logic he's not even old enough to drink." (Author's note: we know that this comment is actually based on a really stupid American law and in Britain no one gives a shit, but who cares, we're putting it in anyway)

"Well at least now he can go drink away his pain. And I want my glasses back."

"Yeah, really I mean…I'm not that old am I?" Remus asked suddenly unsure of himself. The entire age epidemic had gotten him shockingly aware of the age difference between 36 and 24.

"Oh stop it Remus, just because Sirius is insecure about his age doesn't you have to be, you act older then you are. 36 is NOT OLD!"

A voice from the other room that was rather muffled by what was most likely grapefruit, shouted, "YES IT IS!"

"But…honestly, you're not middle aged yet…"

"STOP SAYING YET!"

"Um…"

"I WILL KEEP MY YOUTHFUL FIGURE! AND AVOID WRINKLES AT ALL COSTS! LIKE YOURS!"

"What? I don't have wrinkles." Remus turned desperately to Tonks. "Do I?"

"Don't be stupid Remus, you don't have wrinkles and for the last time you are NOT old. And…muffin."

"Er…buttered?"

"Eew, no I just want one, let's go into the kitchen and see if we can't find a sedative or some alcohol for my dear cousin."

They found Sirius raiding the pantry in pursuit of healthy foodstuffs.

"AHA! Apples…Grapefruits…crackers…questionable high protein mush…eew."

"Uh…Sirius?"

"Yah?"

"What are you doing?"

"I am sifting through all of the shitty unhealthy junk that is our excuse for food."

"Hey! I like cocoa puffs!" Tonks grumbled as her preferred cereal sailed into the trashcan. Next to a very suspicious large gold locket. Ooooooooooh (SEVENTH BOOK SPOILERS! Boogie Boogie) Okay sorry couldn't resist. Anyway.

"Uh…Sirius, we need to eat."

"Eat healthy then."

"I don't like Apples."

"Tuff Noogies."

"Sirius you haven't said that since you were twelve. Which even by your math is seven years ago."

"Shut up."

On cue, or not, Bill popped out of nowhere, again.

"So, where have you been?" Sirius asked nonchalantly.

"Oh, doing paperwork and other boring not interesting things, you know, stuff that you just don't care about. "

Remus and Tonks exchanged a glance.

"Hey Bill, there's something we need to talk about…" Tonks began.

"Uh…what for?"

"Well, when I'm not home…do me a favor. When you shag on my bed, please change the sheets."

"That's some paperwork." Sirius said as Bill blushed.

"So, changing topic, you guys got anything to eat."

"Not anymore."

"Ha, that's ridiculous… Where's your food?"

"I threw it out."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"I'm old and therefore I refuse to become a fat old geezer. We are going on a diet."

"You sure you're not gay?"

"I'm not sure of anything anymore…"

"Oh come on, you're not that old. How old are you now? 39? 40?"

Sirius looked horrorstruck.

"50? Kidding…it is 38 right?"

"ARGH!" Sirius ran from the room, grapefruit in tow.

"He's 35 Bill."

"Oh. Shit"

"Yeah, you've seriously just made life VERY difficult for us."

"Heh…heh heh…"

"Ugh. Men."

"So he is gay right?"

"Er…" Remus and Tonks exchanged glances. "Uh…."

"Aha! I _knew _he wasn't drunk that night…okay I'm going to go home and eat snickerdoodles…bye!"

"My cousin is a whore…" Tonks groaned.

"Its ok Tonks he's always been a whore."

"Yeah that makes me feel loads better. Now lets go upstairs and see if we can't convince Sirius that he is not old because you look ten years older then he does so how can it be bad?"

Remus glared. "Do I really look 46?"

"Ah…"

"Oh, my God!" Remus breathed. "I'm old!"

"Oh…that's not quite what I meant. Er—"

"Sirius! Don't eat all that grapefruit on your own!" In a shockingly un-middle aged motion, Remus bounded up the stairs to Sirius's room, dragging along a disgruntled Tonks.

"Shit. What have I done?" she mumbled as they crashed through Sirius's doors and hurtled onto his bed where Sirius was sitting cross-legged, mumbling and eating grapefruit.

"Padfoot!" Remus said breathlessly. "I'm old!"

"I know. Me too. Come, let us share our misery."

"Good grief," Tonks said as the two men on the bed began simultaneously cramming grapefruit and green tea down their throats. "Um, guys? GUYS!"

They glanced up. "What?"

"First of all, this is IDIOTIC!"

"It is not—"

"Shut up. I'm not done yet. Second of all, Sirius, you haven't gained weight in the last twenty years."

Sirius stopped in mid-munch. "Ah—oh. That's right, isn't it?" He slowly lowered his cup of tea and the half masticated grapefruit.

Remus copied his actions, looking pensive. "I've lost weight in the last twenty years."

"Fuck you!"

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, stretching out his legs. "So do I really look that old?"

Sirius thoughtfully scrutinized his friend's appearance. "Nah. It's just the hair."

Remus' and Tonks' hands flew up to pat the aforementioned hair down. "It's your fault, you know," Remus huffed.

"What? How?"

"You know…getting a flying motorcycle…getting jailed…almost murdering a best friend…getting snide with Snape…on the run…still on the Ministry's most wanted list…you've got to stop scaring me like that!"

"Oh. I'm sorry," Sirius said, beginning to clean his toenails with a razor blade.

"You both just have self-image issues," Tonks said reasonably. "You need to work get over your insecurities." Wow…Tonks is Dr. Phil…moving on….

"Yeah," Sirius said distantly. Suddenly, a grin began to creepily creep over his face. "Wait. I've an idea."

"Oh, dear."

"Well, I think—oh. Ow. Fucker," he said as he absently cut his toe off. Remus pointed wildly.

"See?" He shouted, erratically waving his wand at the toe until it zoomed back onto the foot. "This is _exactly_ what I was talking about!"

"Oh, relax, Remus," Sirius said, continuing to remove dirt with the razor. "Anyway, I was about to suggest that we give you a makeover."

"Why would we do that?" Remus queried. "Tonks is perfect."

Tonks smiled in satisfaction. "Thank you. I've been telling everyone that for years."

"I wasn't talking about Tonks," Sirius said impatiently.

"Oh?" Remus looked behind him, expecting to see Buckbeak or some other fourth party that he hadn't noticed in his grapefruit frenzy. "Wait…me?"

"Yes you. Who else is there?"

"What's wrong the way I look now?"

"Ok darling." Sirius began going into gay mode. "Number one, the hair. Number two, your wardrobe, number three, your self esteem."

"Um…I have self esteem…and the wardrobe I can't help, I mean…I'm broke."

"What do you think I'm supposed to do with the thousands of galleons that I've got sitting in the bank?" Sirius asked. "Well other then buying Harry all those brooms. Ah I'm such a great godfather."

Remus and Tonks exchanged a look for the third time today.

"Lets go SHOPPING!" Sirius said happily.

"Okay, one, you're still a convict and two, are you _sure_ that you're not gay?"

"Shut up, we can still shop."

"How?"

"We're wizards, we'll figure it out somehow."

"Right…"

"I can't trust you two to shop for him, Tonks has terrible taste and Remus won't want to spend any money. You NEED me."

"But HOW will you come with us?"

"However I got into Diagon Alley to buy Harry the Firebolt. I mean honestly, how DID I do that?"

Sirius mused for a moment staring at the ceiling. "Whoa, how did that spot of Pumpkin juice get up there?"

"Uh…I don't think that's pumpkin juice."

"Oh eew, projectile vomit."

"I don't think its that either."

"Oh yuck…ok enough!"

"TOMORROW WE SHOP!"

"He is SO gay."

"Shut up Tonks."

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Hey! So did we like? Yet again, deepest apologies for taking so long to update, we will try to be a bit quicker about it next time. Oh and by the way, we know that this is completely off topic, but living in New York has its benefits… WE SAW TAYE DIGGS! Now if you don't know who that is, 1. Go rent Rent. It is very good, he is Benny. 2. Look him up NOW he is very hot, after 3.reviewing! Okay that's all folks, thanks for any reviews and we'll see you next time!


	10. Chronicles of the Closet

Okay. So we haven't updated since about the Ides of March. We get it. We're crackwhores. (Minus, of course, the crack and the whore part….) Anyway, we can't possibly tell you how much we appreciate all your kind words and support. The story would not exist without you. So. Without further ado, we present chapter ten: "Chronicles of the Closet." And by the way, to floro13—this one's for you, babe.

"Chronicles of the Closet"

Remus woke up after a wonderful night's sleep to the lovely scene of sunlight streaming through his window, and the warm form of a softly breathing Tonks next to him. In that one moment everything was right with the world. Remus closed his eyes and relaxed, savoring the moment. This turned out to be a very bad idea as the moment of zen was shattered shortly thereafter with the arrival of Sirius and a rather large bucket of ice water. Five seconds later with a cackling Sirius, a sopping wet and screaming Tonks and a waterlogged and rather chilly bed, Remus was somewhat less satisfied with the world.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH! I AM GOING TO CASTRATE YOU! I'VE BEEN THREATENING FOR YEARS AND THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! YOU STUPID BLOODY MANGY –"

"And good morning to you too Nymphie, apologies if I interrupted a nice dream." Sirius gave Remus a blatant wink and received twin glares in response.

"Breakfast time, my dear love birds! We want to get an early start."

"Why? Where are we going?" Remus grumbled having finally disentangled himself from the wet sheets and was currently holding Tonks back from killing her cousin.

"Ugh. You people don't seem to remember anything in the morning. We're going to make Remus over, remember? I can't have Moony Dearest being so self- conscious anymore."

"I am not."

"Are too."

"Not."

"Please don't." Tonks had finally given up trying to remove her cousin's reproductive organs and was now slumped in Remus' arms, having made no attempt to detatch herself; his grip around her was still quite firm.

"Come on Moony. I'm bored and rich, and you need clothes."

"I didn't think it possible, but you just successfully made this much less appealing."

"Oh come on….please?"

"Only if you promise to _leave us alone_ for an entire day."

Sirus grinned mischievously

"Will do."

"All right, fine. I'll go on your little shopping spree."

"YES! I love to burn my parents' carefully hoarded cash!"

"What is _wrong_ with him?" Tonks asked as they followed Sirius down to the kitchen for coffee and toast.

An hour later or so, when Tonks and Remus had yet again, nervously and awkwardly bathed and changed and the bed had been dried off, they prepared to set out for Diagon Alley.

"Um…Sirius?"

"Ya?"

"Uh….how ARE you going to come with us?"

"Snuffles, how else?"

"Oh…right….who?"

"Dog form, dumbass."

"Snuffles?"

"It's a long story."

"What happened to Padfoot?"

"Never mind"

"I want to hear this one."

"Later."

"Damn. I'll stick with Padfoot then?"

"Please do."

"Righto."

"I can't believe you are loserly enough to say righto."

"I think it's cute."

"Shut up, Tonks."

Not long after, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks were seen walking down Diagon alley hand in hand… with a large black dog in tow. No one questioned them when they went to a vault in Gringotts after the _dog_ had supplied the key. Nor when they let the dog drag them into the most fashionable stores on the street, or when said dog would pant and wag its tail at some items and bark at others as if it had a fashion sense…

"I dunno Padfoot, it's a little…vibrant."

The dog barked angrily, and nudged the witch standing next to him. Tonks jumped.

"Hey! Paws off!"

The dog grumbled.

"Bad pun Tonks," Remus muttered. She grinned back toothily.

"He's being stupid. I think I have a right to be as much of an ASS as he is."

"Agh! Enough of the animal references."

"Well sooorry. Ook! How about this?"

The dog made the distinct sound of barfing.

"Oh come on, orange and green striped isn't _that_ bad."

The dog apparently disagreed, and attempted yet again to shove a pair of leather pants into Remus' hands. Remus looked down.

"WHAT? NO! Bad dog, very, very bad dog!"

Padfoot wagged his tail and promptly bought them. Needless to say, the cashier was rather surprised. But as we all know, you can't question ANYTHING in the wizarding world. (The authoresses would like to imply a major eye roll at this particular point.)

Next after purchasing an array of button down shirts, pants….leather pants and other "sexy" items as Sirius later dubbed them, he dragged the pair into Madame Malkin's.

"What? I don't need dress robes! I never GO anywhere."

The dog stared at him a moment then blinked twice, wagged its tail and turned in a circle before blinking once more. Remus watched him intently before replying,

"What if I don't _want _ to change it!"

The dog turned in three more circles, blinked twice and barked three times.

"You know nothing about how much ass I get! As you so…elegantly put it."

The dog spun and barked once more.

"You know what? You can go fuck yourself too."

Tonks stared.

"What the hell- "

The dog barked again, nudged Tonks, growled and blinked again. Remus looked horrified.

"I WILL NOT!"

Tonks continued to look baffled.

"Uh…Remus?"

"What?" he asked, still seething at his canine friend.

"What in the bloody hell are you doing?"

"Hmm? Oh...that. Right. It's sort of a wonky mix of morse code, telepathy and canine idiocy."

Tonks stared.

"Wow, I didn't know guys could fashion their general stupidity into a mode of communication…could I learn?"

"No. Boy thing."

"Bah. What is it with boys and their things?"

"TONKS!"

The dog wagged its tail. And of course, because Sirius is the devious little bitch that he is (pun intended) he had purchased dress robes for the two lovers. A deep navy blue for Remus and…color changing ones for Tonks. BUT they changed _fashionably_ so that they changed to fit her looks and took great pains not to clash. Sirius thought that these would be quite useful.

Yes, Sirius had done a wonderful job selecting and purchasing clothes for Remus. Getting Remus to depart from his old ways was quite another matter.

"I don't care what you think!" Remus shouted in an uncharacteristic passion. "I've had this cardigan for twenty years!"

"Right. Since you were sixteen. All the more reason we should dispose of it," Sirius said patiently, firmly holding one sleeve of the craggy old gray thing. "Come now, Remus, it's had a good long life."

"There's no reason for that life to end. It's a perfectly good piece of clothing!"

"It's got melted chocolate in the pockets."

"But it fits me so well!"

"Moony, it drags down nearly to your knees. And wouldn't you prefer something that didn't smell so moldy? And what about all these moth holes? Don't you find it disturbing that a flying insect has been snacking on your sweater?"

Remus pouted. "No. I like to think that I'm helping to feed the ecosystem."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "You are seriously demented, you know that?" Remus shrugged and childishly sat down on the floor, tugging Tonks down with him. Sirius sighed and squatted. "Look, Remus. I know you're sentimental about this ratty old thing and all, and it's very nice that you're trying to save the environment from the bottom up, but wouldn't you feel more comfortable wearing something that actually flattered your fine figure?"

Sirius let a moment pass for his fabulously planned alliteration to sink in, and then moved on the second Remus opened his mouth. "Now, Remus, don't answer that question. It was entirely rhetorical. Just try on the pullover, hmm? There's a hidden pocket. I've already put a chocolate bar in it."

"Fine," Remus muttered.

"Good boy!" Sirius hoisted the party back to its feet and held out a blue button down shirt, a dove gray v-neck sweater, and a much debated pair of leather pants. "Go on!" he prompted, shoving Remus in the direction of the bathroom. "Try them on! We haven't got all day, gorgeous! Not you—" he said abruptly, pulling Tonks back by the nape of the neck. "You wait outside for the end result."

Tonks sputtered. "What am I supposed to do? Sit outside on a chair and twiddle my thumbs?"

"Only one thumb, remember?" Sirius grinned. "And yes, that's exactly what you're going to do." He conjured up two chairs, which set themselves down in the sea of shopping bags, and plopped down. "Sit, darling. This could take a minute."

"This is still completely ridiculous, Sirius," Remus called from the bathroom amidst the sounds of zippers unzipping and buckles snapping apart. (Tonks hungrily pictured the scene, wondering vaguely if she could dash in and hide all the clothes before he could do anything about it.)

"Shut up," Sirius said merrily, leaping up and reaching into another shopping bag. "Here," he said, pushing a tissue papered package in through the crack in the door, "I forgot to give you your new underwear."

Tonks giggled. Remus, from the other side of the door, protested, "I'm not wearing _these!"_

"Why not? Your old ones will look funny under leather," Sirius said rationally.

"But Sirius, they're made out of silk!"

"So?" Remus poked his head out of the bathroom and whispered something that Tonks couldn't make out. Sirius shoved him back into the bathroom, exasperated. "For God's sake, they're not going to reduce your sperm count!" The door slammed and Sirius leaned back on it, looking irritable. "Men," he seethed.

Tonks stared at him, wide-eyed and highly amused.

"What?"

Ten or so minutes later, after a marathon of different hairdos adorning Tonks' head, Sirius was beginning to get bored.

"Reems? What are you doing? You aren't trying to flush yourself down the toilet again, are you, because that's the finicky one with the ghoul in it, and—"

"I seem to be having a bit of trouble with the pants…" Remus said evasively. Sirius shot up from his chair.

"Be there in half a sec."

"You're leaving me here ALONE?" Tonks yelped.

Sirius paused. "Nymphie, do you know how to change the size of your vaginal lips?"

Tonks blinked. "Well, I've never tried."

"Well. That should keep you occupied for a while, shouldn't it? Just don't let Kreacher catch you, or he'll set fire to your bed sheets. Have fun!"

Tonks wailed. Sirius squiggled into the bathroom, where Remus was perched on the edge of the tub with unzipped pants and his face in his hands. Sirius sat down next to him. "Having a good time?"

"Sirius, I think you'd better return these clothes," Remus murmured.

"Why? They're in your size, they fit."

"To a certain extent." Remus sighed. "Padfoot, I'm too old for this."

"For what?" Sirius said soothingly. "For having a good time?"

"For running around consistently drunk and wearing pants so tight that you can see what my religion is," Remus answered promptly. "And, let's face it, with my hair, I look old enough to be Tonks' father."

"You're not too old for Tonks," Sirius said firmly. "And it's _not_ legally rape, she's twenty-four, so don't try playing that card again." Remus closed his mouth, looking slightly disappointed.

"I still look old."

"You do not. You look distinguished. Mature. Worldly." Sirius took out his wand and gently prodded Remus' graying streaks, shifting the color to a gleaming silver. "There. That's better. Think of all the sexy men with silver hair. Sean Connery. Cary Grant. Richard Gere. Mmmm…"

"How on _earth _ do you know who those people are?"

"That's not important. What is important," Sirius continued, subtly shortening the sagging length of Remus' hair into a more stylish shape," is that you start feeling less self-conscious."

"I'm not self—"

"Yeah, you really are. That's why you think you're old. You think that just because you haven't gotten laid in six months that you ought to be winding down. You're succeeding in making yourself _feel_ old. Which you aren't."

"I'm not?"

"Nope. You're just a prat."

"You know," Remus began, a familiar grin beginning to curl back onto his face, "for someone who tossed out all the breakfast cereal and started a diet consisting only of grapefruit—"

"Shut up. I think you're feeling better. Now get up and pull on those pants." Sirius leapt up and dragged Remus to his feet, pausing to admire the slinky black boxers he'd chosen. "Damn, I'm good."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Help me into these things. I'm not sure how to do it, and I've already cut off my circulation twice."

"God, you're such a loser," Sirius scoffed, grabbing the waist of the dreaded leather pants, yanking them up and fastening the buttons in one fluid motion. Remus stared, incredulous.

"How did you do that?"

"Years of practice," Sirius winked. "Now put on that sweater. It's show time."

"Show time," Remus mused. He glanced into the mirror and sighed. "I look ridiculous."

"No, you don't. You look hot." Sirius busily poked his wand around, putting things back in place, tousled Remus' hair, and opened the door. "TA-DA!"

"Good!" Tonks said irritably. "It's about bloody time, you've been in there for—oh my." She dropped her raised finger in mid-tangent. Remus blushed.

"See? This was a bad idea."

Sirius grinned. "I beg to differ. Tell him, Tonks," he said to his gaping cousin.

"You look—you look—_wow."_

"Doesn't he though?" Sirius said loftily, starting down the hall. "I'm going to go bamboozle someone into making dinner. I'll leave you here to drool for a while; I expect you'll be through within the hour."

Scarcely hearing the smug words floating into her ears and the footsteps trailing away, Tonks continued to stare. Had Remus' legs always been so long and lean? And had his arms always looked that strong? His hair suddenly looked so different, so sleek and touchable and lively, and his eyes—they had always been that beautiful browny-gold, but they had never before been this luminous. He was freshly shaven, too, with only the barest dusting of the blondish stubble that would appear the next morning. On the whole, he still looked like Remus, only younger and healthier and, if it was even possible, sexier. What if, Tonks suddenly thought in horror, Sirius had found a way to alter Remus' ass? Perhaps the hair had needed work, but that part of Remus was too perfect ever to be changed. Instantly, she started to lean back to check, just to make sure that—

BANG!

"BUGGER!" Tonks squeaked, jumping so high that her hair grazed the grungy ceiling. "What in the bloody hell was that?" she said breathlessly to an overwhelmed and confused Remus.

"Surprise!" Bill said jovially. "How's it hanging, Nymphie?"

"Fuck," she breathed. "You know, you're going to be really sorry when you give me a heart attack."

"You're young. You'll live."

"You're an asshat."

Bill shrugged. "Whatever. Hey, who's the studmuffin? New boyfriend?"

"Studmuffin?" Tonks wrinkled her nose. "Who says studmuffin?"

"I do," Bill said, playfully cuffing her on the back of her pink head. "But really. Who's the hottie?"

"I have to say, Bill, I'm a little insulted," Remus said, amused. Bill slowly looked the "studmuffin" up and down. Realization spread into his freckled face.

"Holy shit. _Remus?"_

"As you said, surprise," Remus shrugged.

"Dude."

"I know," Remus said, grimacing, "I look really stupid, but it's all Sirius' work, and—"

"Sirius did this? Sirius is a genius! I mean, this is from a totally heterosexual point of view, but you look….yummy."

Remus blanched. "Oh, my God."

Tonks clumsily patted him on the head and dragged a chair over with her foot. "Here, Remus, sit down before you faint." As Remus collapsed into the chair, Sirius strolled across the hallway, Buckbeak reluctantly tracing his steps.

"Oh no. It's the beast." Bill leapt behind Remus' chair, still watching Sirius pass. "Sirius!" he shouted. Sirius looked around, confused. _Oh, God, not the phantoms again…._ "Behind the chair!"

"Oh. Hi, Bill."

"Awesome job on wolf man!"

_"Wolf man?"_ Remus said, his eyes springing open.

"I know!" Sirius gushed. "He's gorgeous!"

"You're a fucking genius!"

"I know! Thanks, mate! I'm off to direct dinner."

"Why is Buckbeak wearing an apron?" Tonks asked.

"Because he's making dinner, der!" Sirius grinned. "Come on, Bill. This should be quite the show." Bill grumbled something about health insurance and trotted after Sirius.

"There is not a single sane or striaght person in this entire household," Tonks stated once the parade had passed.

"There never was," Remus agreed. "But I've got a bar of chocolate," he compensated, removing it from the hidden pocket in his new, moth-free sweater. "Would you like a piece?"

"Have you ever known me to pass up chocolate?"

Remus chuckled and broke off a chunk of the chocolate bar with a click. "Here you go, Nymphadora."

"Thanks," Tonks said, not even realizing the use of the dreaded 'Nymphadora.' She popped the luscious dark square into her mouth. What a gentleman. She had never once seen him eat chocolate without first offering some to present company. And that silver hair really was quite dashing. Tonks grudgingly decided that that Sirius had done a magnificent job.

"So tell me the truth, Tonks," Remus said after breaking off his own portion of the Honeydukes confection, "the get up really is too young for me, isn't it?"

"No!" Tonks choked through her mouthful of chocolate. "God, no! You look amazing! Young! Vibrant! Sexual! Good enough to eat—I mean," she stuttered, quieting down and blushing a little "—that's a very nice sweater that Sirius picked out for you."

"Mmm," Remus murmured, distracted by his chocolate bar and not quite noticing the hormonal outburst of the girl connected to him. "I do miss my pockets. I don't have much room for Terrence anymore."

"Terrence?" Oh God. He wasn't the sort of man who named his penis. Was he?

THE HORROR!

"Yes, Terrence. Our tea cloth." Remus reached to the pile of his own clothes and retrieved the ever useful dishtowel. "I don't quite know what we'll do without him."

"I'll take him," Tonks said in relief. "Here, I think I've got a pocket where he can stay. By my knee. No need for room or board, Terry," she said cheerfully, tucking the dishtowel into the left pocket of her cargo pants. "Everything will be all right." She patted the pocket. Remus smiled. "What?"

"You are perhaps the most adorable woman I have ever met, Miss Tonks. Now let's see if we can't rescue Buckbeak from Sirius' pitiful attempts in cooking." Remus rose, pulling Tonks up with him and down the hall. Another slightly discouraged smile tickled his lips.

"What now?"

"I was just thinking," he said matter-of-factly, "how very difficult it's going to be to get these pants off tonight."

Tonks and Terrence absorbed this torrid information. Not only was the man they were connected to a gentleman; he was a sex god.

Much love to all of you! Thanks for reading! Please drop us a line and then go out and do something FABULOUS. It's the summer at last! (Happy Dance!) So while Sirius is busy plotting ways to transform "Stuck on You" to "Suck on You," go out and have a great time and also send good vibes to Laanessness, who is currently trying to manage small children in the cold and remote woods of Maine. We'll be back soon, and I wish you all a perfect sexy summer.

Best wishes,

Evilemmylou


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